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BUBBLES OF THE DAY: 



3 Corneal 



By DOUGLAS JERROLD. 



Price Half-a 



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ft 



BUBBLES' OF THE DAY. 

IN FIVE ACTS. 






DOUGLAS JERROLD, 

AUTHOR OF "THE RKNT DAY," "THE PRISONER OF WAR," ETC. ETC. 



PERFORMED AT 



THE THEATRE ROYAL, COVENT GARDEN. 



LONDON: 

HOW AND PARSONS, FLEET STREET. 



MDCCCXLII. 



1^\\ 



3* 



* 






lb 



PHlNTliD BY WILLIAM Wl U OtKSON, ROLLS Bl'HDlXGS, FETTER LAN£. 



In New Street, Covent Garden, there is, or was a 
tradesman of great practical benevolence. It was the hap- 
piness of his temperament to recommend to the palates 
of babes and sucklings the homeliest, nay, the foulest 
shapes by the lusciousness of their material. The man 
made semblances of all things in sugar. Fieschi's head, 
bruised and bleeding from " his own petard," frowned 
like a demon from the shop-window: still the demon 
was — in sugar. The abomination, though appalling to 
the eye, would yet melt sweetly in the mouth. The 
thing was called a murderer; yet, taste it, and 'twas 
pure saccharine. 

The Author of " Bubbles of the Day" confesses to the 
charge that in some places has been preferred against 
nearly every character in his comedy. He has taken 
for his theme the absurdities and meannesses of fools and 
knaves ; and he has not — at least, he trusts he has not — 
exhibited the offenders in — sugar. 

London, February 28, 1842. 



CHARACTERS REPRESENTED. 



Lord Skindeep, m.p. . 

Melon 

Sir Phenix Clearcake 

Captain Smoke 

spreadweasel 

Brown, sen. 

Chatham Brown, m.p. 

Malmsey Shark 

Waller 

Miffin 

Kimbo 

Corks 



Mr. Farren. 
Mr. Lacy. 
Mr. Harley. 
Mr. C. Mathews. 
Mr. Bartley. 
Mr. F. Matthews. 
Mr. J. Vining. 
Mr. Meadows. 
Mr. Hemming. 
Mr. Wigan. 
Mr. Brindal. 
Mr. Granby. 



Pamela Spreadweasel 
Florentia 
Mrs. Quarto 
Guinea 



Mrs. Nisbett. 
Mrs. Lacy. 
Mrs. W. West. 
Mrs. Orger. 



Scene, London. Date, 1842. 



This Comedy was represented for the first time, February 25, 1842, 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 



ACT I. 

Scene. — A Library in the Mansion of Lord Skindeep. 

Kimbo discovered (reading,) 

" Our currency is nothing but a system of fictitious 
credit, expanding and contracting wi$i our stock of gold." 
'Tis certainly easier to get money thah to know any thing 
about it. " Expanding and contracting with our stock of 
gold." 

Enter Guinea. 

GUINEA. 

His lordship not yet up, Mr. Kimbo ? 

KIMBO. 

No. The house did not adjourn till three. 

GUINEA. 

Poor gentleman ! That parliament must kill him with 
fatigue. 

KIMBO. 

By no means ; for he always takes his first rest before he 
comes away. Habit's every thing: his lordship sleeps 
sounder in parliament than in his own bed. 

GUINEA. 

But what have you there, Mr. Kimbo ; not a novel ? 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY: 



KIMBO. 



A novel ! Guinea. A novel, and consols in their present 
state ! No, my thoughts 



GUINEA. 



Yes, your thoughts are like the omnibuses ; there's hardly 
one of 'em that doesn't go to the Bank. 



KIMBO. 



And that's why my thoughts and yours so often run 
together. (Aside.) I know she dabbles: if I could be sure 
of her securities, I'd risk an offer. 

GUINEA. 

La, what's a lone woman to do with money — even if 
she had it ? 

KIMBO. 

Why, take a prudent partner, and so divide the respon- 
sibility. Eh, Guinea? 

GUINEA. 

(Aside.) He's in the railways, I know : if I could only 
be certain that his shares had gone up ! 

KIMBO. 

Now, with such a wife, in the soft, feathery ties of 
wedlock 

GUINEA. 

Talking of ties, what's your opinion of Timbuctoo bonds ? 

KIMBO. 

You hav'n't touch'd 'em ? 

GUINEA. 

No. 

KIMBO. 

(Aside.) Then I'll go on with my love. My angel, 
don't lay your snowy finger on 'em. Captain Smoke 

says 

GUINEA. 

Captain Smoke ! Ha, he is a clever man ! 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY 



KIMBO. 



Clever! He's a pyramid of talent Well, Captain Smoke 
says — hush! here's Corks, * 



Enter Corks. 

GUINEA. 



Bless me, Mr. Corks ! any thing happened ? Your face is 
as mottled as 

CORKS. 

Mottled, ma'am! There's enough to mottle Gog and 
Magog. (To Kimbo.) Have you seen the debate of last 
night ? 

KIMBO. 

No; but I hear that Lord Skindeep, our excellent 
master, made a speech. 

CORKS. 

A speech ! A scream, you mean. He knows no more 
of politics than a monkey knows of a steam-engine. 

GUINEA. 

And what of it ? Although you're his butler, why 
should you take his ignorance so much to heart ? 

CORKS. 

Why ? Hav'n't I a little freehold in my native town, and 
didn't I vote for him ? I feel myself compromised. He 
never opens his mouth that I don't perspire for the borough. 

KIMBO. 

I suppose they laughed at him last night, as usual; — 
poor devil ! 

CORKS. 

Laughed ! If it was only known when he'd speak, he'd 
empty the- playhouses. That a man who would have been 
so capital in a pantomime should ever have been sent to 
parliament ! And yet to this man I gave my valuable 
vote ! Mind, I say, — gave it. 

GUINEA. 

Then I don't wonder at your being; vexed ; for when one 

b 2 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 



does give a valuable thing one naturally expects something 
for it. 

KIMBO. 

I suppose, poor wretch ! they'll skewer him in the 
weekly papers again ? 

CORKS. 

I hope so. (Aside.) He shall have it in one ; I'll give 
it him as I've given it him before, or my name's not 
" Brutus the Elder." 

GUINEA. 

I hope so too ; 'tis so delightful to read abuse of one's 
master. Now there's "The Sunday Rattlesnake:" I 
couldn't get through Sundays without it. 'Tis so deli- 
cious to see great people picked to pieces, and made no- 
bodies of! It brings 'em down so to one's self you know. 

CORKS. 

When you're not an elector. But to have one's repre- 
sentative continually roasted — it's like being burnt in effigy. 

KIMBO. 

And his lordship's speech is devilish foolish, is it ? 

CORKS. 

I blush for the town of Muff borough — the speech is con- 
temptible. Here, Guinea, put this book on the third shelf, 
there to the right. I smuggled it away on Friday (Aside), 
for my last letter of " Brutus the Elder." 

GUINEA. 

By the bye, Mr. Corks, did Mr. Chatham Brown speak 
last night? 

CORKS. 

He's not reported. 'Twas enough for our master to 
make a fool of himself. 



KIMBO. 



No doubt. 



CORKS. 

They've flayed him alive, though. Oh ! ha ! ha ! — given 
him such a scourging. (Takes newspapers from his pocket.) 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 5 

.KIMBO. 

Is it very cruel ? Pray read it. 

CORKS. 

No — no; here's the papers — there's the speech. {Gives 
a newspaper to each.) Read for yourselves. And yet, here 
is a little bit of abuse in the leader, that does one's heart 
good. 

GUINEA. 

Abuse of his lordship ! Oh ! read — read ! 

CORKS. 

A staring likeness of him. Listen. (Reads.) " As for 
the member for Muffborough, he is one of those wise 
philanthropists who, in a time of famine, would vote for 
nothing but a supply of toothpicks ! " 

KIMBO. 

The very man. 

CORKS. 

(Meads.) " He ventures on a state benevolence as a 
timid spinster ventures on sea-bathing. He stands shivering 
on the brink of good intentions ; dabbles, splashes a little ; 
and, making noise enough to bring all the world about him* 
never has the heart to plunge right in." 

GUINEA. 

Beautiful bitters ! 

CORKS. 

(Reads.) " In a word, Lord Skindeep may be called the 
Punch of Parliament ! " 

ALL. 

Ha ! ha ! ha ! The Punch of Parliament ! — the Punch 
of 

Enter Lord Skindeep, doion the stage. Guinea and Corks 
drop papers, and run off. 

SKINDEEP. 

The Punch of Parliament ! Now, although I know every 
member of the house, who can those menials mean? 
Kimbo, is my library turned to a debating-room ? Ha! 



O BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

the morning papers ! (Aside.) I stand in the midst of 
'em like a conjuror in a circle of snakes. (Kimbo picks up 
the papers and presents them.) Go. I can see by the 
scoundrel's look of satisfaction, that somebody has abused 
me. \Exit Kimbo. 

Enter Chatham Brown, followed by Brown, sen., who has 
a newspaper. 

BROWN. 

Never tell me, sir ! — never tell me ! Pardon me, my 
lord, for this abrupt descent upon you ; but 

CHATHAM. 

Sir, if you will only listen 

BROWN. 

Again I ask you, where were you on Thursday? There's 
the division, sir — the printed list ! Now find me the name 
you're making worthless, sir — the name of Chatham Brown ! 

CHATHAM. 

The truth is, sir, I was — shut out. 

BROWN. 

Shut out ! And do you think, sir, when your friends 
get in, they'll remember those who were always shut out ? 
You were not in the house the whole night, sir ! 

SKINDEEP. 

Upon my honour, yes ; for I woke him three times 
myself. My dear Brown, be indulgent. 

BROWN. 

My lord, you know from his christening upwards, I've 
dreamt of nothing but getting him into parliament. The 
oxen I've roasted for that young man — the ale that has 
flowed — the blankets given at Christmas — the handsome 
organ to the church of MurTborough; and all these for 
nothing — all to be continually shut out ! 

CHATHAM. 

My dear father, why persist in trying to make me a 
politician ? 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. / 

BROWN. 

As the world runs, what else remains ? Zounds, sir ! 
discover another continent — make out the North-west 
Passage — find a specific for the plague — the philosopher's 
stone — and the fountain of youth — write an Iliad, and build 
a St. Peter's ; and when you've done your work, the world 
shall ask you, who are you? 

CHATHAM. 

My dear sir 

BROWN. 

Sir, there is but one path to substantial greatness — the 
path of statesmanship. For, though you set out in a thread- 
bare coat, and a hole in either shoe, if you walk with a 
cautious eye to the sides, you'll one day find yourself in 
velvet and gold, with music in your name and money in 
your pocket. 

skindeep. 

This is Chatham's first session. He'll come on by and 
by, — Cicero had his beginnings. 

BROWN. 

On Thursday, if he were in the house, why didn't he 
speak ? 

CHATHAM. 

Because I was totally ignorant of the question. 

BROWN. 

And what of that, sir ? Ignorant ! The great art of life 
is to pass off our ignorance with such a confident grace, 
that people shall take the counterfeit for the true thing. 

SKINDEEP. 

I have had personal experience of the beauty of that 
truth. Now, there's Captain Smoke ; he says young poli- 
ticians are like parrots — they learn to speak best in the 
dark. 

BROWN. 

No doubt of it. 'Sdeath, sir ! if you have no regard for 
me, have some for the memory of your poor mother ; and, 
right or wrong, talk on every occasion. 



8 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

CHATHAM. 

In time, sir, I hope to prove a most filial senator. 

BROWN. 

Well, you promise to speak on this grand question — the 
tax on umbrellas? 

CHATHAM. 

I promise — I'll try something. 

BROWN. 

And a long speech — a long speech ! If I could but once 
see you reeled out into five columns, I should die happy. 

Enter Footman, 
footman. 
Sir Phenix Clearcake. 

SKINDEEP. 

Admit him. {Exit Footman). Now, Chatham, if you 
want a model for your eloquence, Clearcake's the man. 

BROWN. 

Has he so fine a gift ? 

SKINDEEP. 

He's stuffed with the sublime and beautiful. You'd think 
he'd been bit by a poet's mad dog. The truth is, he 
huddled together a stock of fine phrases as a matter of 
trade, and some of the stock still remains on hand. 

BROWN. 

Trade, my lord — trade ? 

SKINDEEP. 

Yes : by knocking down the estates of others, he has 
obtained a tolerable one for himself. Late auctioneer, now 
knight and alderman. 

Enter Sir Phenix Clearcake. 

SIR PHENIX. 

My dear lord, I cannot restrain a feeling that propels me 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 



into a belief that you're in roseate health ; for you look a 
nature's illustration of the best Vandyke. 

SKINDEEP. 

Thank you, Sir Phenix, I am alive. Sir Phenix, Mr. 
Brown — Mr. Chatham Brown, my new colleague for Muff- 
borough. 

SIR PHENIX. 

(To Chatham). Sir, permit me to congratulate you on 
your consistency — I mean, on your constituency. I know 
Muff borough well, sir. Flourishing place, sir! There, 
every landlord has a happy and contented tenantry, and 
the word arrear is not to be found in their vocabulary. 

CHATHAM. 

Why, Sir Phenix, we have not the most to complain of. 

SIR PHENIX. 

You of course reside in Elysium House ? No ! That's 
odd ; for all the world used to point out that house as in- 
evitably the future residence of one of the members for the 
borough. A magnificent mansion ! If I recollect right, it 
has windows of plate-glass — hot and cold baths — with every 
essential to happiness. 

CHATHAM. 

Possibly ; I know nothing of its hospitalities. 

SIR PHENIX. 

But the scenery, sir! The more than fairy-ground of 
that more than earthly paradise ! The river which good- 
naturedly encircles the park — the Druid wood, when the 
setting sun condescendingly makes orient all the leaves — 
the ruins of the distant castle in a perfect state of repair — 
the cataracts, with their terrific thunder, softened to the 
nerves of the most timid lady — while the golden moon, 
which in that favoured region is nearly always at the 
full 

CHATHAM. 

Spare me, Sir Phenix. You really make me feel un- 
worthy to represent 



10 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 



SIR PHEN1X. 

Not at all, sir. Though such voters of such a borough 
might have sent Apollo to parliament. 

CHATHAM. 

And I have no doubt would — (aside), if Apollo, instead 
of piping to his sheep, had killed his mutton for 'em. 

SIR PHENIX. 

My lord, I come with a petition to you — a petition not 
parliamentary, but charitable. We propose, my lord, a 
fancy fair in Guildhall : its object so benevolent, and more 
than that, so respectable ! 

SKINDEEP. 

Benevolence and respectability ! of course, I'm with you. 
Well, — the precise object? 

SIR PHENIX. 

It is to remove a stain — a very great stain from the city ; 
to give an air of maiden beauty to a most venerable insti- 
tution; to exercise a renovating taste at a most inconsi- 
derable outlay ; to call up as it were the snowy purity of 
Greece in the coal-smoke atmosphere of London; in a 
word, my lord — but as yet 'tis a profound secret — it is to 
paint St. Paul's ! 

CHATHAM. 

Paint St. Paul's ! 

SIR PHENIX. 

To give it a virgin outside — to make it so truly respect- 
able ! 

SKINDEEP. 

A gigantic effort ! 

PHENIX. 

The fancy fair will be on a most comprehensive and 
philanthropic scale. Every alderman takes a stall; — and, 
to give you an idea of the enthusiasm in the city — but this 
is also a secret — the Lady Mayoress has been up three 
nights making pincushions. 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 11 



SKINDEEP, 



But you don't want me to take a stall — to sell pin- 
cushions ? 

SIR PHENIX. 

Certainly not, my lord. And yet your philanthropic 
speeches in the house, my Lord, convince me that to obtain 
a certain good you would sell any thing. 

SKINDEEP. 

Well, well; command me in any way; benevolence is 
my foible. I tell you what; I've some splendid Chinese 
paintings on rice-paper. They're not of the least use to me, 
so you may have them for the charity. 

SIR PHENIX. 

Ha, Lord Skindeep ! that's so like yourself! And if you 
would only enrich them with your autograph 

SKINDEEP. 

Of course ; any thing I can do for my fellow-creatures, 
any thing — dear me, I quite forgot ; I promised those very 
pictures to Lady Hum, for her album : so you can't have 
'em. But any thing I can do for my species — — 

SIR PHENIX. 

Your lordship has influence with your gifted relative. 

SKINDEEP. 

What, Mrs. Quarto ? Nay, as you are so shortly to 
marry her niece — by the bye, I believe you dine with us 
to-day ? 

SIR PHENIX. 

I have that promised felicity. But Mrs. Quarto, if you 
would only induce her to preside at a stall, and sell her own 
stupendous volumes. That's my petition. 

SKINDEEP. 

I don't think the lady understands the commercial 
principles of a fancy fair. 

SIR PHENIX. 

There is nothing so easy. It is simply this, — to ask six 
times the worth of an article, and never to give change. 



12 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

Enter Footman. 

FOOTMAN. 

Captain Smoke. 

SKINDEEP. 

Very well. (Exit Footman.) I've promised to make 
you known to the captain. He is a devilish clever fellow. 

SIR PHENFX. 

So speculative, so prosperous in all he does; in short, 
so very respectable. 

Enter Captain Smoke. 

SMOKE. 

To find you so early stirring, my lord, is past my hopes. 
After the oration of last night, too ! Why, there are cer- 
tain friends of mine, who having delivered such a speech, 
would have had the knocker tied up, and straw in the road 
for a fortnight. 

SKINDEEP. 

These are not times for such men. Allow me, Captain 
Smoke, to introduce my friends and guests ; Mr. Brown — 
Mr. Chatham Brown, now my fellow-labourer for Muff- 
borough. Swopley, you remember, accepted the Chiltern 
Hundreds. 

SMOKE. 

Aye, there was a talk of his accepting some hundreds, 
but I forget the whole of the story. Sir, I congratulate you. 
In these days of intellectual enterprise, yours is, indeed, a 
glorious vocation ! (Aside.) I'll fix him to take the chair 
at our meeting — get his name as a director. It is with you, 
sir, as only the six hundred and fifty-eighth part of the 
delegated wisdom of the empire, to 

CHATHAM. 

Really, captain 

SMOKE. 

Captain no longer, sir. I have quitted the service, and 
turned my thoughts to commerce and the improvement of 
mankind. 

SKINDEEP. 

The captain was in a foreign force. 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 13 



SMOKE. 



The Madagascar Fusileers. Myself and three brothers. 
Ha ! poor Hannibal ! Excuse this tear to his memory. 
All of us in that war, like hospital doctors, bled gratis. 
But our family was always military — always distinguished. 
Look through all the last campaigns, and in the thickest of 
the fight you'll be sure to find a Smoke. 

Chatham:. 

(Aside.) This fellow's as transparent as a lanthorn. 

SMOKE. 

Now I've cut up my sword into steel pens, and flourish 
the weapons in the cause of commerce, We are about to 
start a company to take on lease Mount Vesuvius for the 
manufactory of lucifer-matches. 

SIR PHENIX. 

A stupendous speculation ! I should say, that when its 
countless advantages are duly numbered, it will be found a 
certain wheel of fortune to the enlightened capitalist. 

SMOKE. 

Now, sir, if you would but take the chair at the first 
meeting — (Aside to Chatham) — we shall make it all right 
about the shares ; — if you would but speak for two or three 
hours on the social improvement conferred by the lucifer- 
match, with the monopoly of sulphur secured to the com- 
pany — a monopoly which will suffer no man, woman, or 
child to strike a light without our permission 

BROWN. 

He'll do it, of course he'll do it. 

CHATHAM. 

Truly, sir, in such a cause, to such an auditory — I fear 
my eloquence. 

SMOKE. 

Sir, if you would speak well any where, there's nothing 
like first grinding your eloquence on a mixed meeting. 
Depend on't, if you can only manage a little humbug with 
a mob, it gives you great confidence for another place. 



14 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

SKINDEEP. 

Smoke, never say humbug ; it's coarse, 

SIR PHENIX. 

And not respectable. 

SMOKE. 

Pardon me, my lord; it ivas coarse. But the fact is, 
humbug has received such high patronage, that now it's 
quite classic. 

CHATHAM. 

But why not embark his lordship in the lucifer question? 

SMOKE. 

I can't : I have his lordship in three companies already. 
Three. First there's a company — half a million capital — 
for extracting civet from assafoetida. The second is a com- 
pany for a trip all round the world. We propose to hire a 
three-decker of the Lords of the Admiralty, and fit her up 
with every accommodation for families. We've already 
advertised for wet nurses and maids of all-work. 

SIR PHENIX. 

A magnificent project ! And then the fittings-up will 
be so respectable. A delightful billiard-table in the ward- 
room ; with, for the humbler classes, skittles on the orlop- 
deck. Swings and archery for the ladies, trap-ball and 
cricket for the children, whilst the marine sportsman will 
find the stock of gulls unlimited. Weippert's quadrille 
band is engaged, and 

SMOKE. 

For the convenience of lovers, the ship will carry a parson. 

CHATHAM. 

And the object ? 

SMOKE. 

Pleasure and education. At every new country we shall 
drop anchor for at least a week, that the children may go 
to school and learn the language. The trip must answer ; 
'twill occupy only three years, and we've forgotten nothing 
to make it delightful — nothing, from hot rolls to cork 
jackets. 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 15 

BROWN. 

And now, sir, the third venture ? 

SMOKE. 

That, sir, is a company to buy the Serpentine River foi- 
st Grand Junction Temperance Cemetery. 

BROWN. 

What ! so many watery graves ? 

SMOKE. 

Yes, sir, with floating tombstones. Here's the prospectus. 
Look here ; surmounted by a hyacinth — the very emblem 
of temperance — a hyacinth flowering in the limpid flood. 
Now, if you don't feel equal to the lucifers — I know 
his lordship's goodness, — he'll give you up the cemetery, 
(Aside to Chatham.) A family vault as a bonus to the 
chairman. 

SIR PHENIX. 

What a beautiful subject for a speech ! Water-lilies and 
aquatic plants gemming the translucent crystal — shells of 
rainbow brightness — a constant supply of gold and silver 
fish, with the right of angling secured to shareholders. The 
extent of the river being necessarily limited, will render 
lying there so select, so very respectable. 

CHATHAM. 

I would not rob his lordship of so captivating a theme. 
And luckily, Sir Phenix, (aside) and luckily for myself, 
here comes Mrs. Quarto. 

SMOKE. 

An extraordinary woman ! Have you read her last book, 
sir? 

SKINDEEP. 

(Aside.) I should like to read her last book with all my 
soul. 

SMOKE, 

She's a travelling college, and civilizes wherever she goes. 
Send her among the Hottentots, and in a week she'd write 
'em into top-boots. She spent only three days with the 



16 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

Esquimaux Indians; wrote a book upon their manners; 
and, by the very force of her satire, shamed 'em out of 
whale-oil into soda-water. 

Enter the Hon. Mrs. Quarto. 

MRS. QUARTO. 

Good morning, Chatham. Ha ! Sir Phenix, stands Tem- 
ple-bar where it did ? . and have you brought me Whitting- 
ton's autograph, as you promised? Captain Smoke, does 
commerce nourish? and — ha! ha! — do you still raise as 
many companies as when you were in the army ? Oh, my 
lord! your oration of last night was delicious! I hav'n't 
laughed so much since the new tragedy. 

SKINDEEP. 

And yet the subject, madam, scarcely verged upon the 
humourous. Though I blush to say it, there were two or 
three who tittered. 

MRS. QUARTO. 

Tittered! hav'n't you seen the papers? The reporters 
say — roars of laughter. 

SKINDEEP. 

The reporters, madam, have long ears. I heard nothing 
of the sort. But I am a fool, madam, to have a heart in 
my bosom. This is not an age of sympathy but of selfish- 
ness, — an age of tadpole philosophers, who consider their 
fellow-man as no more than an eight-day clock. 

MRS. QUARTO. 

An instrument made to work, but not to feel — to be 
wound up and set going for the convenience of the pur- 
chaser. The sentiment, you will remember, is in my work, 
" Politics of the Patagonians." 

SKINDEEP. 

Upon my life, I didn't recollect it. But if the book has 
hung on hand, Sir Phenix has a scheme by which you 
may scatter it. 

SIR PHENIX. 

A fancy fair in Guildhall — so very respectable. Lady 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY.. 17 

Amazon will sell proof impressions of her own portrait. 
Now, if you would but preside at a stand, where your golden 
volumes 

MRS. QUARTO. 

Impossible ! I hav'n't a minute that hasn't twenty dif- 
ferent claimants. First, there's my article, " Conic Sec- 
tions," for the new encyclopaedia; then there's my two 
novels in numbers, " The Ambitious Footman," and " The 
Filial Climbing Boy ;" next, my " Turkey and the Turks ;" 
then a new tragedy, and an " Essay on Backgammon ; " 
then my splendid annual, " The Book of Blushes." 

SKINDEEPo 

(Aside.) With portraits of the criminals; ladies in sugar, 
with cobweb wardrobes. 

MRS. QUARTO. 

And finally, my "History of Mount Strombolo," and 
my new set of songs, " The Lays of the Lancers ! " 

BROWN. 

And employed upon 'em all at once ? Why, madam, to 
write in this fashion, you ought to be a Briareus, with a 
goosequill in each of your hundred hands. 

SIR PHENIX. 

And if you were, would madam, that I could be an 
Argus, with a hundred eyes to read the hundred things 
you wrote ! 

MRS. QUARTO. 

(Aside.) For an alderman, that's really not so bad. 
Well, Sir Phenix, if I can spare an hour, and you assure 
me the object is charitable 

SIR PHENIX. 

The object, madam, is charity, taste, and above all — 
respectability. 

SMOKE. 

And now, madam, follows my petition. You'll take this 
trip with us round the world ? At all events, you'll not 
refuse your name. (Aside to her.) If it ever come to any 
thing, you can be taken dangerously ill, and go ashore at 



18 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

Portsmouth — your name alone will fill the ship. And then 
the benefit to literature ! You can write the history of 
every country — for we shall stop at least six days — on the 
spot. What a gift to the world of letters ! Already I see, 
in starry type — " Otaheite and the Otaheitans ! " 

MRS. QUARTO. 

The world's ungrateful, captain ; I shall travel no more. 
There, don't speak. The world's an old wicked world, and 
not worth the mending. (Turns up the stage.) 

SIR PHENIX. 

(Aside.) Lady Amazon and Mrs. Quarto ! If we had 
but a countess ! Madam, I take my leave with a load of 
gratitude. 

MRS. quarto. 

Sir Phenix, you'll find Florentia in the drawing-room. 

SIR PHENIX. 

I fly there. (Aside.) If I can but catch a countess, St. 
Paul's is made ! [Exit. 

skin deep (ahout to follow him.) 

Sir Phenix — Sir Phenix ! 

SMOKE. 

(Aside to Skindeep.) We meet on the civet to-morrow, 
at two. We want from you a short, flowery speech, full of 
hope. 

skindeep. 
And my shares? 

smoke. 
As I said, are snug. 

SKINDEEP. 

Because, if ever the shares go up, 'twill be all the better 
for the charity I intend to give them to. [Exit. 

smoke. 
Madam, in the hope that you'll relent, and bring the 
world once more at your feet, I depart. 

brown. 
Captain Smoke, a word. (Aside.) Chatham shall be 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 19 

chairman of one of these things, I'm determined. If you 
will allow me one of your valuable minutes 

SMOKE. 

Sir, you shall have any number — (aside) — in the hope 
that I may make 'em valuable. [Exit with Brown. 

MRS. QUARTO. 

Well, Chatham ; seriously, how do you like parliament ? 

CHATHAM. 

( Yawning.) Wonderfully well — past my hopes. 

MRS. QUARTO. 

The excitement of your election must have been de- 
lightful? 

CHATHAM. 

'Twas a hard contest. As sportsmen say, quite neck 
and neck. 

MRS. QUARTO. 

As scandal says, quite pocket and pocket. But the 
canvass must have had its charms ? 

CHATHAM. 

Madam ! 

MRS. QUARTO. 

The exhibition of character: the sturdy patriotism of 
some — the timid support of others ; — the hearty welcome, 
and the grurT denial ; — the insolence of the party foe — and 
the worse familiarity of the party friend! Hal ha! I'm 
told you shook hands with all the butchers — called their 
wives angels, and kissed their darling babes for cherubs ! 

CHATHAM. 

Yes, madam, I have had my trials. 

MRS. QUARTO. 

And let us hope the reward will come ; for instance, the 
support at Cowslip Lodge. 

CHATHAM. 

Cowslip Lodge ! 

c 2 



20 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

MRS. QUARTO. 

Where a certain young lady — a visitor — a sylph, beautiful 
as day 

CHATHAM. 

Oh, madam ! you know her — can tell me whither she 
is fled? 

MRS. QUARTO. 

All I know is, that when the constituents, drawn up 
before the Dolphin, awaited a grateful speech from the 
man of their choice, he, their absent member, like knight 
of old— 

" Was seeking over hill and dale, 
A lady bright and fair." 

Ha! ha! ha! 

CHATHAM. 

You will — you must, reveal her hiding-place ! At the 
first glance, I felt she was my fate — my destiny ! Oh ! 
madam, I can't talk — can't feel like a man of this dull 
world, when I think of her. 

MRS. QUARTO. 

Then, as I'm no company for superhuman natures, I'll 
begone. Poor fellow ! Begs for a vote, and finds a mis- 
tress ! Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

CHATHAM. 

Find her ! Where, madam ? Where ? 

MRS. QUARTO. 

Where ? Ha ! ha ! ha ! " And echo answers where ?" 
Ha! ha! ha! 

CHATHAM. 

Madam — madam ! I will not quit you till 

MRS. QUARTO. 

No ? then follow me, if you dare ; for I am going to my 
lawyer. [Exit ?»lit:s. Quarto, Chatham following her. 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 21 



ACT II. 



Scene. — Melon's Chambers, Inner Temple, 

Melon discovered, writing; Miffin in attendance. 
Knocking at door. 

MELON. 

Miffin, I'm still out of town. 

\_Exit Miffin at chamber door. 

Voice without. 
Mr. Melon within ? 

miffin, without. 
Gone to Guernsey. 

Voice without. 

This is the tenth time I've called for my bill. I shall not 
call again. 

MELON. 

Benevolent creature ! Would all my creditors had his 
humanity I 

Re-enter Miffin. 

miffin. 

That's Simpkins, sir ; the mealy-mouthed Simpkins. 
Certainly the best way to make a man speak out is to get 
into his debt. 

MELON. 

Take this letter to Malmsey Shark, and — what's the 
matter ? 

MIFFIN. 

Malmsey Shark again ! Oh, sir ! he's a hyena that laughs 
with men and then picks their bones. 

MELON. 

Malmsey Shark is a money-lender, a wine-merchant, and 
a vendor of coals. Know you any thing worse of the poor 
man? 



22 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 



MIFFIN. 



I know this : I wish he'd nothing to drink but his own 
port ; and in the hardest frost, nothing to warm him but 
his own wall's-end. Don't send the letter, sir. 

MELON. 

What remains for me, when my means are not equal to 
a gentleman ? 

MIFFIN. 

This remains, sir, — make the gentleman equal to the 
means. 

MELON. 

Money I must have ! Another year and I shall be free 
— discharged from the tribe of sharks. 

MIFFIN. 

Yes ; as my grandfather was discharged from the army, 
— to go upon crutches for the rest of your life. Only ano- 
ther year, and so study out the time, sir. Stay at home, 
study the law, and live on sandwiches. Only a year, sir ! 

MELON. 

And then, Miffin, my own master; with my own 
fortune 

MIFFIN. 

And your own wife ; for without Miss Spreadweasel you 
get no fortune. 

MELON. 

And thus money is to bribe me to a nauseous marriage ; 
as they give children sweetmeats to make 'em swallow 
rhubarb. 

MIFFIN. 

Rhubarb ! Well, to me the young lady has the face of 
an angel. 

MELON. 

But her mind, Miffin, her mind ! Ugh, a female miser ! 
To me she's like a child's money-box — very pretty out- 
side, but within, a miserable hoard of miserable savings. 
Marry such a woman ! For the rest of my life I should 
have no richer hopes than water-grucl suppers and one 
blanket. 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 23 

MIFFIN. 

But this Malmsey Shark — this merry man-eater ; don't 
deal with him, sir. Only look, now 

MELON. 

Only look. (Showing empty purs<:) Had you the words 
of Solomon, the hollow voice of this would prevail against 
you. No other syllable, but go ! I am dead till you 
return : for in this world purses are the arteries of life ; as 
they are full or empty, we are men or carcases. Go ! 

MIFFIN. 

I'll go, sir. (Aside.) I see the end: the money-lender 
will eat him to his skeleton, and then carefully lock it up. 

[Exit. 
melon (appro a citing book shelves). 

Study — study the law ! How invitingly yon row of 
sages smile upon me ! With what a dulcet note doth 
wisdom, clad in sober calf, invoke me to her banquet and 
her shows ! There may he who feeds grow great on dead 
men's brains ; there may he trace a web of hubbub words 
which craft may turn into a net of steel. There learn, when 
justice weighs poor bleeding truth, to make her mount by 
flaw and doubt, and see recorded, aye, ten thousand times, 
how quibble, with his varnished cheek, hath laughed de- 
frauded justice out of court! Study the law — study — 
(Knocking at door.) Another creditor ! My heart falls at 
the knocker. (Knocking.) No, 'tis surely Shark. (Opens 
door.") 

Enter Smoke. 

smoke. 
I 'have the honour to address Mr. Melon? 

melon. 
Sir, I- 1 

SMOKE. 

( 4 side.) The man who stammers at his name's in debt ; 
a certain symptom. Don't be alarmed, sir ; I am the friend 
of your friend, Malmsey Shark. 

MELON. 

Alarmed! I hope, sir, I — (Knocking at door.) Who the 
devil's that? (Aside.) 



24 BUBBLES OF THE DAY, 

SMOKE. 

Knockers, sir — knockers are a damned invention. I can 
sympathize with any man who suffers from 'em. 

MELON. 

Here, sir, your sympathy is as unexpected as it is unre- 
quired. 

SMOKE. 

They play the devil with the nerves. Sometimes bring 
on a confinement that lasts for many months, The best 
thing to fight the disease with is, early — very early exercise 
out of doors. (Knocking repeated.) And then the variety 
of knocks! (Knocking repeated very violently.) That's 
Malmsey Shark. 

MELON. 

How do you know ? 

SMOKE. 

From this fact : no metal ever falls into his hands that 
he doesn't make the most of it. 

Melon opens door. Enter Malmsey Shark. 

SHARK. 

Mr. Melon, ha ! ha ! What, Captain Smoke too ! Well, 
ha ! ha ! — my dear heart ! ha ! ha ! — I didn't know you 
were friends. 

SMOKE. 

The truth is, Shark, I called at your laboratory, and 
finding that you were come hither, followed you : for which 
freedom, business will, I hope, be my apology to Mr. Melon. 

SHARK. 

Gentlemen, any way — ha! ha! — I'm happy you have 
met. (Aside to Melon.) Make him your bosom friend, 
'twill be money in your pocket. (Aside to Smoke.) He's 
a wonderful young barrister ; he's safe at last to sit upon 
the woolsack. 

SMOKE. 

(Half aside to Shark.) I'm glad he's safe at last to sit 
somewhere ; for if he's long in your hands, he'll not long 
have a leg to stand upon. 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 25 



SHARK. 



Ha ! ha ! you didn't hear the captain ? Never mind ; 
ha! ha! he's such a man for jokes; but then there's no 
malice in 'em — ha ! ha ! — none. I call his jokes glow- 
worms ; ha ! ha ! they shine so, and never scorch — ha ! ha ! 

MELON. 

The true benevolence of wit. 

SMOKE. 

Oh, sir ! our friend has so sweet a nature ! who could 
have the heart to blister him ? So good in all things ! his 
very wine is medicine. 

MELON. 

(Aside.) A patent medicine; for he parts with it only 
by virtue of a stamp. 

SHARK. 

Talking of wine — ha ! ha ! — this is a secret : I have six 
cases of such exquisite burgundy ! 

SMOKE. 

The secret's quite safe — nobody will believe it. 

MELON. 

Six cases ! I'll have 'em — not another word — I'll have 
'em. (Aside to Shark.) I understand; the old terms. 

SHARK. 

As for money, ha ! ha ! that's the last thing I think of. 

SMOKE, 

And will be the last, no doubt. The best fellow in the 
world, sir, to get money of; for as he sends you half cash, 
half wine, why, if you can't take up his bill, you've always 
poison at hand for a remedy. 

SHARK. 

Ha ! ha ! any body else would offend me. Some people's 
jokes are like thistles ; but the captain's put one in a glow ; 
ha ! ha ! good as a flesh- brush — ha ! ha ! But good morn- 
ing ; I couldn't pass the door, though I'd nothing to say. 



26 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

(Aside to Melon.) You'll have the burgundy? I'm at 
home at four. 

MELON. 

(Aside to Shark,) At four then ? — (knocking at door.) 
Diogenes was a happy fellow ; his house had no knocker. 

SMOKE. 

(Aside to Melon.) Will you pardon me ? I know what 
it is to be disturbed this way in one's studies by monotonous 
folks, who only come to call out what they've called a hun- 
dred times before. In brief, sir, if you're not in town, I'll 
say as much— and swear to it — with pleasure. 

MELON. 

Nay, sir, the truth is, I rather expect a near and dear 
friend of mine, Mr Spreadweasel. 

SHARK. 

(Aside.) Spreadweasel ! If he sees me here, there's an 
end to our dealings. Captain, I have a word to say in the 
next room. 

SMOKE. 

(Going, returns, to Melon.) If it should not be Spread- 
weasel, remember, I'll find a housekeeper. 

[Exit with Shark into inner room. 

MELON. 

A most unceremonious, yet most timely friend ! (Knock- 
ing. Opens door.) 

Enter Mrs. Quarto and Chatham Brown. 

Madam ! (Aside.) My widow plague again. 

MRS. QUARTO. 

I hope I mar no consultation ; but 'tis the privilege of 
my sex to teaze. 

MELON. 

A privilege Mrs. Quarto can never exercise. 

MRS. QUARTO. 

I have a friend to introduce, — Mr. Chatham Brown. 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 27 

CHATHAM. 

{Recognizing him.) What! Harry Melon! 

MELON. 

Fellow-student ! The wildest — the merriest of Oxonians ! 
For which of your virtues — for what capacity, for I see 
the deed is done, have they turned you into member of 
parliament ? 

CHATHAM. 

I suppose, my capacity for late hours ; for truly, I know 
no other. 

MRS. QUARTO. 

Mr. Brown's obligations to your support in the late con- 
test, demand his special thanks. 

MELON. 

My support! Madam, I'm a poor barrister, with no 
voice. 

MRS. QUARTO. 

Nay, but our friend would acknowledge the solicitude of 
those, with many tender ties upon you. 

MELON, 

They must be very tender, for I don't feel 'em. 

MRS. QUARTO. 

Oh ! the friends at Cowslip Lodge — the fair and beautiful 
advocates of the purity of election ! 

CHATHAM. 

My dear Melon, you are free — your heart is untouched ? 

MELON. 

To be sure it is. 

MRS. QUARTO. 

(Aside.) Hypocrite! Is it so? 

MELON. 

I stay at home, and study the gravities of life. Here I 
sit, waiting for briefs, anxious as a spider in his first web. 



28 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

Ha ! ha ! you're in love : take my advice — as you're in 
parliament, go upon committees, and forget it. 

CHATHAM. 

The lady visitor at Cowslip Lodge — you know her ? 

MELON. 

Not I : did she wear your colours, and with her cherry 
lips steal plumpers from the enemy ? 

MRS. QUARTO. 

She was the very soul of the contest. They say she 
wrote election madrigals and party epigrams. Then such 
eloquence ! The very attorney of the borough, whose boast 
it was that he was born a blue, with a look and a laugh, 
she turned into a yellow. 

MELON. 

Yellow ? ha ! with his profession 'tis a seductive colour. 
And pray who is this Circe ? 

CHATHAM. 

That, since the lady here is obdurate, I must know of 
you: speak but two words — her name, and her abiding- 
place. 

MRS. QUARTO. 

Aye ; he knows, and will divulge. 

MELON. 

(Aside to Chatham.) My dear fellow, beware of that 
widow. For myself, I sometimes tremble to think I'm a 
bachelor. 

CHATHAM. 

But this girl — this sprite of loveliness and mystery ? 

MELON. 

Well, sketch me the beauties of your unknown fair, and 
if I can complete the picture, tell me if 'tis like. Begin, — 
her eyes ? 

CHATHAM. 

Bright as sapphires ! 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 29 



MELON. 



Granted. As bright and as passionless : an eye without 
a soul. 



CHATHAM. 



Oh ! who can paint their depth — their joy — their sudden 
gladness — and their instant thought ? 

MELON. 

Then 'tis not she. Proceed ; — her lips ? 

CHATHAM. 

The mouth of Hebe ! 

MELON. 

A mouth promising nectar ? 

CHATHAM. 

Aye! 

MELON. 

Yet talking poor small beer. 

CHATHAM. 

A flood of richest thoughts — of happiest fancies, poured 
from the heart, and vocal with its truth. Then her laugh ! 

MELON. 

What ! does she laugh ? 

CHATHAM. 

The magic of her laugh would charm a hermit from his 
cell — a miser from his heaps ! 

MELON. 

That's enough ; my lady never laughs. Her wildest c 
mirth's a smile, and that seems no part of her, but lies upon 
her cheek like moonlight on a statue. 

MRS. QUARTO. 

You hear, Chatham, he would turn his Helen to a house- 
maid, to secure her from another Paris. 

MELON. 

'Tis true I am bound to the lady — bound by wicked 



30 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

parchment. Yet, if you can, marry her — marry, and be 
frost-bit for life. 

Miffin runs in. 

MIFFIN. 

Sir — sir, Mr. Spreadweasel ! 

MRs QUARTO. 

(Aside.) Most happy chance ! 

MIFFIN. 

He didn't see me ; but I know he's coming here, so ran 
before to give you word. 

MRS. QUARTO. 

{Aside to Chatham.) Tis the lady's father. 

CHATHAM. 

{Aside to her.) Her father ! What ! can her name be 
Spreadweasel ? 

MRS. QUARTO. 

{Aside to him.) An ugly name, isn't it? All the better 
— you may sooner change it. Make no ceremony with us : 
we'll wait any time any where. {Aside to Chatham.) 
You must see him. So, until your visitor be gone, we'll 
wait in this room. 

melon, 

Not there ; I have two clients closeted already. {Aside to 
Miffin.) Shark and a gentleman. This way. {Aside to 
Chatham.) That woman's invincible. I verily believe 
she has made a vow to marry me whether I will or not; 
and, what's worse, I'm afraid she'll keep her oath. 
[Exit, shewing Chatham and Mrs. Quarto into inner room. 

MIFFIN. 

Malmsey Shark ! I would he was hooped in one of his 
own casks, and nobody but me to let in air upon him. 
{Knock at door.) That's old Spreadweasel. I don't know 
how it is, I never talk to him but I feel shabby for an hour 
afterwards. {Opens door.) 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 31 

Enter Spreadweasel. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Ha! humph ! (Walks about, narrowly surveying appoint- 
ments of the room.) These are Mr. Melon's chambers, eh? 
Law should be very profitable. 

MIFFIN. 

It is, sir, very — to those who sell it. Now, we've plenty 
of law on hand, and only want customers. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Gay as a Chinese temple ; too fine for business. Clients 
will only spoil your carpets. 

MIFFIN. 

Oh, sir ! clients always pay for what they have ; and quite 
as often for what they hav'n't ! 

SPREADWEASEL. 

And the briefs, the briefs, do they drop in ? 

MIFFIN. 

Our bag has been ready this fortnight, yet, 'tis very odd, 
they do not. We have every thing, sir, but causes. Such 
a gown — such a wig ! The barber swears 'tis a lord chief 
justice in the bud. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Fine chambers, fine books, fine wig, fine gown ; but no 
briefs. Humph ! Fine rods, fine hooks, fine lines, fine 
flies, but no fish ! 

MIFFIN. 

(Aside.) I must make a little business here. Still, sir, 
our prospect of chamber practice is immense. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Well, well, so you only catch 'em, it matters not whether 
you hook or tickle. Where is Melon now ? 

MIFFIN. 

Consulting with a lady and — a gentleman. A very rich 
woman, sir. (Aside.) The only way to dazzle him is to 



32 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

well gild 'em. They say the widow has half a million of 
money. 

SPREADWF.ASEL. 

(Aside.) Half a million and a widow ! Even now, my 
dear Pamela needs the tenderness of a mother. 

MIFFIN. 

They're in that room ; they can't be long. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

I can wait ; besides, I'll look into the other apartments, 
tne — (going.) 

MIFFIN. 

That room's occupied too. As I said, sir, chamber 
practice. In that room is Malmsey Shark and 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Malmsey Shark! 

MIFFIN. 

(Aside.) What have I done ? 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Malmsey Shark ! Pray, sir, does your master drink his 
wine at a long or a short date ? 

MIFFIN. 

At neither, sir ; but invariably at sight. (Aside.) I 
must mend this. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

To know Malmsey Shark ! A man whose every step 
through the day may be traced by a five-shilling stamp. 

MIFFIN. 

Ha, sir ! if we were to follow folks' footsteps in that way, 
who knows where we should be led to? Mr. Shark is 
Mr. Melon's client. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Oh ! Then he doesn't take Shark's wine ? 

MIFFIN. 

Certainly not; and if he did, as Shark takes his law, 
'twould be hard to say who had the best of the bargain. 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 33 

SPREADWEASEL. 

His client ? On what business ? 

MTFF1N. 

There's now a gentleman with him : a man of immense 
landed property. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Go on — I smell it ; wants money — go on. 

MIFFIN." 

That's it, sir. Mr. Shark wants an opinion on the title- 
deeds — the — you know. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

To be sure. (Aside.) I know Shark's tight just now — 
can't do it all himself. Landed property ! Nothing like a 
slice of the fat soil ! 

(Re-enter Melon. Spread weasel runs to him.) 

How d'ye do, Henry, how d'ye do ? Promised I'd come 
and see your chambers. Glad the rooms are full. What 
age is the widow? How is the half million left? And the 
man of lands with Shark ? Very rich, eh ? Attach your- 
self to 'em — fix yourself upon the wealthy. In a word, take 
this for a golden rule through life, — never, never have a 
friend that's poorer than yourself. 

melon. 
(Aside.) "True to this scoundrel maxim keepeth he." 

MIFFIN. 

(Aside.) As I have given away money and lands, like 
the fairy in the story-books, I'll vanish. \_Exit. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Should like a word with Shark. He's here with — with 
landed property : know all about it. And the widow, — 
is it a sure half million ? 

MELON. 

(Aside.) Landed property ! A sure half million ! 



34 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

What Mammon's dream is this? You wish to see Mr. 
Shark ? The truth is, he came here merely 

SPREADWEASEL. 

I know ; your client. We're old friends : should like 
one word. {Aside.) Should like a slice of land. 

Melon brings Shark from inner room. 

MELON. 

{Aside to Shark.) He insists on seeing you. 

spreadweasel. 

Malmsey, — how d'ye do, Malmsey ? 

shark. 

Ha ! ha ! friend Spreadweasel ! I just called on Mr. 

Melon to- 

spreadweasel. 

Very kind of you — encourage young beginners. There 
isn't a quicker eye for a flaw in the whole Temple. Lack- 
aday, Harry! I'd forgot. Pamela's below, waiting in a 
coach. Ha ! there's a wife you'll have ! She wanted to 
walk — to walk all the way through the showers ; but when 
we came to Cheapside, I would have a coach ! Go to her, 
and bring her up. I promised she should see the chambers 
—go. 

MELON. 

I go, sir, — (aside) — to keep her where she is. [Exit. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Well, old friend, how rubs the world ? 

SHARK. 

Ha ! ha ! dull, dull, dull. I do nothing. Ha ! ha ! I 
make no money — sell no wine. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

That is, you sell no money, and you make no wine. 

shark. 
Ha ! ha ! now any body else would offend me, ha ! ha ! 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 35 

SPREADWEASEI. 

Tell 'me, is this estate extensive — will the mortgage be 
large ? Don't stare — Melon's told me all about it. 

SHARK. 

(Aside.) Some flam to account for my being here. The 
estate is enormous. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

And the spendthrift owner of this princedom — the 

(Smoke comes from room in scene.) 
Hush ! here he comes. 

SHARK. 

Where? (Aside, seeing Smoke.) Ha! ha! Captain Smoke 
a landowner ! — with all my heart ! 

SPREADWEASEI . 

(Aside to Shark.) Pray — pray — pray introduce me. 
shark. 

Captain Smoke, — ha ! ha ! — Mr. Spreadweasel ; a man, 
captain, whose pocket's a mine, and whose heart is a well. 

smoke. 
Happy, sir, to know so rich and deep a gentleman. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Rich, sir, not I ! But you know our friend — he's called 
the satirical Shark. 

SMOKE. 

Oh, yes ! the verjuice Bacchus. 

SHARK. 

Ha ! ha ! now any body else would really offend me. 
Good day, captain ; we'll talk of that matter by and bye. 
(Aside.) He mortgage lands ! ha ! ha ! I could, if I would, 
show him some odd title-deeds. \_Exit. 

SPREADWEASEI. 

A good man, that ; not so wealthy, perhaps, as the world 

d2 



36 BUBBLES OF THE DAY, 

thinks ; — who is ? Ha, sir ! the only safe wealth is that we 
tread upon. You gentlemen of solid — solid acres 

SMOKE. 

{Aside.) What's this? 

SPREAD-WEASEL. 

Shark was observing that your estate in — I think he said 
in — Northamptonshire 

SMOKE. 

Do you like Northamptonshire ? 

SPREADWEASKI . 

My favourite county. 

SMOKE. 

That's curious ; it is Northamptonshire. {Aside.) He 
had only to choose ; he might have had Peru. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Shark was observing that — I think the name of your 
estate is 

SMOKE. 

Known in the county as the great Smoke property. In 
a word, I shall be happy to see you there. There are 
marks in your face — {aside) — £. s. d. — marks I admire. 
You shall see the property : hill, dale, wood, and stream; 
every nook of it you shall know quite as well as I do. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

{Aside.) There's no mistaking the air of a man born to 
wealth. Sir, this is condescension. 

SMOKE. 

Not at all ; you shall be as welcome as myself. 

{Re-enter Mrs. Quarto and Chatham Brown.) 

Ha ! Mrs. Quarto ! what brings the muses to the abode of 
law, — a case of trespass on Parnassus, — trespass or robbery? 

SPREADWEASEL. 

{Aside.) He knows the widow, too ! 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 



37 



MRS. QUARTO. 

Robbery ! Oh, we of Parnassus defy law, and boldly 
pillage one another. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

(Aside to Smoke.) Do — do introduce me ! 

smoke. 

Suffer me to make known Mr. Spreadweasel, a man 
whose pocket is the Indies, and whose heart is the ocean. 

MRS. QUARTO. 

Well, how do you like him ? 

CHATHAM. 

(Aside to her,) He her father? Impossible ! 

MRS. QUARTO. 

(Aside.) Hush! Fortune, sir, is falsely painted blind ; 
for surely, as with Mr. Spreadweasel, she gives the most 
only where the most's deserved. 

spreadweasel. 

(Aside.) What a charming woman ! How unlike my 
first wife ! 

Miffin shews on Brown, sen. and Lord Skindeep. 

brown. 

I knew he was here ! Mrs. Quarto, a thousand par- 
dons for following you ! I learnt from Guinea you were 
come here, and — oh, Chatham !— such a conspiracy ! 

SMOKE. 

A conspiracy, my lord ! 

SPREADWEASEL. 

( Aside to Smoke.) A lord ! Is that really a lord ? — and 
do you know him ? Oh ! could you introduce me ? 

smoke. 

With pleasure. Mr. Spreadweasel, my Lord Skindeep 
— Mr. Brown, father of the eloquent member for Muff- 
borough. 



38 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

(Skindeep and Brown coldly how to Spreadweasel, and 
turn from him.) 

SPREADWEASEL. 

(Aside.) I wish he'd said something about my pocket. 

BROWN. 

Yes, a plot : I discovered it only an hour ago. 

SKINDEEP. 

And would force me into the carriage, and in the hubbub, 
nearly committed murder. 

MRS. QUARTO. 

Murder, my lord ! 

SKINDEEP. 

Knocked down an inoffensive passenger. I don't know 
what may be the consequence. 

BROWN. 

Nothing but his lordship's sensibility. The fact is, One 
of the horses started at a lawyer's bag. 

SMOKE. 

And a very sensible horse, too. 

BROWN. 

The lawyer started who carried it — slipt — fell — and got 
up again ; while his lordship 

SKINDEEP. 

Alarmed as I was, had still presence of mind to bid the 
coachman gallop on. 

SMOKE. 

I see the upshot — an action for damages. 

SKINDEEP. 

That was my fear. The horses plunged, and the people 
screamed ! I, who have nerves of gossamer — indeed, with 
my feelings, I don't know what I do in this world at all — 
I, loving all the world, and therefore, hating litigation, I 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 39 

thrust my fingers in my ears ; and thinking the poor man 
killed, or at least maimed for life, roared, as I say, to the 
coachman to gallop on. 

SMOKE. 

And so, for a time, you escaped the police ? 

SKINDEEP. 

Now, Smoke, don't distress me. The man is not killed ; 
indeed, the man, Brown assures me, is not hurt. If he had 
been killed, I — I — yes, nothing on earth should ever have 
induced me to enter that vehicle again. No ! no ! if he 
had been killed, I'd have put down my carriage, sold off 
my horses, and for the rest of my natural life, I would 
have 

MKS. QUARTO. 

Gone on foot, my lord ? 

SKINDEEP. 

Hired a job. 

BROWN. 

But, my lord, this is a waste of feeling ; the man is not 
hurt. 

SKINDEEP. 

Nevertheless, I have often intended it, and I won't sleep 
without doing it. I will subscribe to some hospital: I 
should have done it before, only for their number, and 
the equality of their merits; but to-day has determined 
me ; I will make myself a life-governor, and then, whatever 
accident occurs — for Robert's a headstrong driver — I shall 
at least protect my feelings, and keep my conscience com- 
fortable. 

MRS. QUARTO. 

But the cause of this speed — the origin of this homicide 
that might have been ? 

BROWN. 

That, indeed, is the business. I tell you, Chatham, they 
intend to petition against your return. Why, you're not 
surprised ? 

CHATHAM, 

Not at all, sir ; I expected it. 



40 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 



BROWN. 



Expected it ! Do you hear that, my lord ? Expected 
such ingratitude ! Then what is human nature ? 

SKINDEEP. 

Don't ask me. I know the people of Muffborough; 
philanthropy is thrown away upon 'em. And yet one can't 
help having a heart in one's bosom — one can't help loving 
the species. In the last time of scarcity, didn't I — with a 
foolish sympathy for human suffering — didn't I, at my own 
expense, illuminate the market clock ? Yet how did they 
abuse me? 

MRS. QUARTO. 

I recollect some lines — (aside) — for I wrote 'em, — that 
appeared in the county paper. Yes \ " On the market cluck, 
illuminated by our member" — 

" Lord Skindeep, when commercial woe 
Our luckless town oppresses, 
Illuminates our clock, and so 
Doth lighten our distresses." 

I believe, my lord, that's correct ? 

SKINDEEP. 

I should be sorry, madam, for my nature, to remember a 
syllable of such ingratitude ; but some memories, like worm- 
wood, only flourish upon bitterness. 

BROWN. 

Illuminate a clock I Didn't I give aw T ay at least twenty 
watches to twenty people, — and now, would you believe it, 
Chatham, the voters misrepresent your motives ? 

SMOKE. 

The honourable member has his satisfaction in his own 
hands ; let him misrepresent them. 

BROWN. 

Such uncharitable creatures ! They'd make a great deal 
now about a poor ten guineas laid out upon a cottager's 
kitten. 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 41 



SKINDEEP. 



Yes ; as if, when the other party fell in love with all the 
canary-birds of the borough, we were not to take a fancy 
to a few of the kittens. Do they think nobody bat them- 
selves has a heart for the dumb creation ? 

BROWN. 

But the fellow at the bottom of this — the fellow who's 
collecting evidence— is one Hampden Griggs, a sturdy 
mischief-maker. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

What ! Hampden Griggs, of MufFborough ? 

BROWN. 

That — that is the incendiary. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

And he, to dare to meddle ! — why, any day I can ruin 
him ! 

BROWN. 

You can ? Sir, I am most happy to make your acquaint- 
ance. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

If a beggar can be ruined. — And he to annoy excellent 
men ! — He ! why I can destroy him — wipe him out of the 
world. 

SKINDEEP. 

Now this is delightful ! These are the sentiments of 
public spirit, that repay one for the ingratitude of one's 
species. I shall be glad, Mr. Deadweasel 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Spread — Spread weasel, my lord. 

SKINDEEP. 

To enlist you on the side of my friend and colleague, 
Mr. Chatham Brown. (Aside to Chatham.) Bamboozle 
him. 

CHATHAM. 

I shall be too proud, sir, to place myself in your hands. 



42 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

As for Hampden Griggs, — I say it, if he stirs, he's 
crushed. 

SKINDEEP. 

You must dine with me — you must. 

BROWN. 

Mr. Spreadweasel must dine with us. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

(Aside.) I am much obliged to Hampden Griggs, who- 
ever he is. Why, my lord, the fact is, I have my daughter 
with me, and 

CHATHAM. 

Your daughter ! 

SKINDEEP. 

She shall dine with us, too. 

CHATHAM. 

Your daughter, sir — where, where is she ? 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Why I sent her husband who is to be, to bring her here, 
and — here she is. 

Melon leads on Pamela Spreadweasel : she is drest in the 
extreme of plainness, and her manner is bashful and rustic. 

SKINDEEP. 

(Aside.) What a lovely piece of still-life ! 

MRS. QUARTO. 

(Aside to Chatham.) Well, is't she? 

CHATHAM. 

No — yes — no ! The same face — the same divine feature, 
and yet 

BROWN. 

(Aside to Chatham.) That's right; you do this very 
well. Continue to be struck with the girl; 'twill flatter 
the father. 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 43 

PAMELA. 

(Aside.) 'Twas well I was half prepared for this. He's 
deliciously bewildered. 

SKINDEEP. 

Beautiful lady, may your father's friend — (about to kiss 
her hand.) 

PAMELA. 

Oh, sir ! you mus'n't. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

(Aside to her.) Yes he may — he's a lord. 

BROWN. 

(Aside to him.) Chatham, don't you vote on the same 
side? 

CHATHAM. 

(Taking her hand.) Madam — (aside.)— her hand beats 
not, trembles not. Madam — (about to kiss her hand.) 

PAMELA. 

Oh, sir ! but you mus'n't 

SPREADWEASEL. 

(Aside to her.) Yes he may ; he's a member of parliament. 

SMOKE. 

(Aside.) I must assert myself here. Angelic lady — 
(about to take her hand.) 

PAMELA. 

No, sir ; indeed, no more. Isn't there my husband that 
is to be ? 

MELON. 

(Aside.) Her husband ! Can't she conceal my misery 
till the time comes ? 

SPREADWEASEL. 

(Aside to her.) Prudent girl ! and yet you might, — he's 
a great landed proprietor. 

SKINDEEP. 

(Aside to Brown.) We'll have some sport with them. 
Miss Spreadweasel must go with us to dinner. 



44 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

PAMELA. 

Oh, my lord ! 

SKINDEEP. 

Come, the carriage waits for us. Your hand — your 
beauteous hand. {Kissing her hand.) Ha! these are the 
things that make one love one's species. 

CHATHAM. 

{Aside) His lordship is more than usually philanthro- 
pic! Have you not a hand for me, Miss Spreadweasel ? 
{Aside.) Still, still her look perplexes, baffles me ! 

PAMELA. 

{Aside.) His eyes, I feel it, devour my face; no mat- 
ter, as yet it shall betray nothing. Come father : mind, I 
paid the coachman. He wanted two shillings, but I 
knew his fare was eighteen-pence. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

( To Lord Skindeep.) You see, my, lord, quite a child 
of nature. 

skindeep. 

Quite — {aside) — at sixpences. Mr. Spreadweasel, will 
you lead Mrs. Quarto ? 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Madam, I — I {Aside.) I have now half a million 

at the tip of my fingers. 

MRS. QUARTO. 

Captain Smoke, we shall not lose you, and 

SKINDEEP. 

Oh, no ! nor Mr. Spreadweasel's son-in-law that will be. 

CHATHAM. 

Certainly not, Harry, you'll join us ? 

MELON. 

We'll follow in good time. {Aside to Smoke.) Sir, a word. 

Lord Skindeep and Chatham lead off Pamela, Spread- 
weasel, following with Mrs. Quarto. Melon and Smoke 
exeunt into inner chamber. 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 45 

ACT III. 

Scene 1 . — An Apartment in the House. o/*Lord Skindeep. 
Enter Florentia and Pamela. 

FLORENTIA. 

Never again will I call fortune an ill name. To bring 
you to this house ! Delightful ! And the wise member 
not to know you ! Ha ! ha ! 

PAMELA. 

Nay, I'm sure he's puzzled. I verily believe he at times 
takes me for a sort of wax-work cousin to my real self. 

FLORENTIA. 

Ha, Pamela ! The same madcap as ever. Whether 
at a school frolic or an election — whether the sport be 
breaking bounds or breaking hearts 

PAMELA. 

Breaking hearts ! Men's hearts ! Do what you will the 
things won't break. I doubt if even they'll chip. 

FLORENTIA. 

And you'll tell me you don't love that grave senator, 
Chatham Brown? Neither do you love the young bar- 
rister, Mr. Melon? 

PAMELA. 

I hate him, my dear ; and for the best of reasons — I 
was brought up to dote upon him. They'd settled about 
my wedding-ring, I believe, before I'd done with my coral. 
His father and mine thought the best way to couple their 
guineas was to couple us. As very children we seemed to 
understand our wedded destiny, for we never met that we 
didn't fight and scratch. Oh ! I am sure of it ; with all 
his civility he has a charming, substantial aversion for me. 

FLORENTIA. 

I think so, — (aside) — and I hope so too. 



46 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

PAMELA. 

Then Fve made the man — poor innocent ! — think me 
a miser ; and so he'd shun marriage with me, as he'd shun 
famine. 

FLORENTIA. 

You have yet another unexpected hope — a rival. 

PAMELA. 

Delicious ! Who is the lady ? 

FLORENTIA. 

What think you of my aunt ? 

PAMELA. 

Mrs. Quarto ? Now I remember what pains she took to 
tell me that she consulted Melon professionally. 

FLORENTIA. 

Yes : she wants his advice in the disposal of all the pro- 
perty left by her late husband. I believe her. 

PAMELA. 

Ha ! ha ! And where did these halcyons first pair ? 

FLORENTIA. 

Where halcyons mostly pair — on the sea-coast. Since 
then she has persecuted poor Mr. Melon, thinking, too, 
that I — that I, forsooth, have no eyes. 

PAMELA. 

And Mr. Melon, as I now perceive, being vehemently of 
a contrary opinion. Marry him, marry him, Florentia. 

FLORENTIA. 

My profound service to you ! So I may wed, where you 
despise. 

PAMELA. 

Nay, had the man come in the ordinary course of human 
accidents, I might, perhaps, have loved him well enough ; 
but to grow up with your appointed husband, to know the 
worst and the best that can befall you, — 'tis to take from 
woman's life the sweets of hope. A legacy's very well, but 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 47 

not at the hands of the parson. But now that I'm assured 
of Melon's aversion— assured of his love for you— nay, I'm 
certain 'tis so— farewell at once, my sober, simple seeming ! 
Poor innocent! You shall see this very day how I'll 
bewilder him. 

Enter Guinea, with packet of letters. 

GUINEA. 

Here, madam ; here are all his perjuries — every one. 

FLOKENTIA. 

There, Pamela, behold the falsehoods of my future lord. 
Yes, my aunt has resolved it ; and how can I, a poor de- 
pendent niece, refuse Sir Phenix Clearcake, knight and 
alderman ? But, Guinea, once more tell the story of your 
wrongs. 

GUINEA. 

With pleasure, ma'am. My father, who was a distin- 
guished officer in the service of the sheriff, sent me to 
Brixton. 

PAMELA. 

What for? 

GUINEA. 

To be finished at Minerva House. That was five years 
ago ; I was then sixteen. 

FLORENTIA. 

Five years ! Guinea, the more I look at you, the more 
I'm convinced that some years are twice as long as others. 

GUINEA. 

I was then sixteen ; an innocent thing, knowing nothing 
of life but the bread-and-butter side. There I met and 
corresponded with Major Loo. We made a pastry-cook's our 
twopenny-post, and what these cost in almond-cakes there's 
nobody knows. (Giving letters to Florentia.) 

FLORENTIA. 

Why, these are directed — " Miss Clotilda Montmorency." 

GUINEA. 

I took the name from a book : our teacher — she was my 
friend — advised me ; as she said my father and the major 
might sometime have met. 



48 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

PAMELA. 

And did your lover offer marriage ? 

GUINEA. 

He talked of a chaise -and-four ; which I thought was 
coming to it by natural degrees. 

PAMELA. 

But did he never talk of the church ? 

GUINEA. 

He never got nearer than the chapel — Balaam chapel, 
that a friend of his was building; and as I'd had three 
quarters' music, he said he'd settle me, and make me 
organist for life — 'twas so respectable. 

FLORENIIA. 

And now, Pamela, mark the wickedness of man. Guinea 
here — good creature ! — sternly resolved on marriage, her 
guileful lover 

GUINEA. 

Dropt the correspondence, leaving a little bill at the 
pastry-cook's, which for fear of governess I was obliged to 
pay. 

PAMELA. 

But what has this to do with Sir Phenix Clearcake ? 

GUINEA. 

That, madam, is the blackest spot of the romance. Last 
Lord Mayor's-day, thinking of nothing, I was seeing the 
show. I thought I should have fainted ; for there, among 
the skinners, there was Major Loo ! 

FLO REN Tl A. 

The major and the alderman being one and the same 
deceiver — being, in truth, my aunt-appointed spouse. 

GUINEA. 

I'd often seen him here, though he's never seen me. 
When I heard he was to marry my lady, this day I told her 
all. Luckily, I've kept his letters, and 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 49 



FLORENTTA, 



Most luckily; for they shall do me good service, eh, 
Pamela ? Do you spy no sport in them ? 

PAMELA. 

A whole comedy : come, and I'll tell you the parts we'll 
play in it. [Exeunt Pamela and Florentia. 

GUINEA. 

I thought those letters would be worth money some day : 
I've kept copies, and whenever he's made lord mayor, won't 
I print 'em ! [Exit. 

Enter Lord Skindeep and Spreadweasel. 

SKINDEEP. 

Mr. Spreadweasel, my heart has a knack of always bub- 
bling to my mouth, and I say it — at length I've found the 
man I've hungered for through life. By the way, your's is 
an odd name — Spreadweasel ! 

spreadweasel. 

Shall I tell your lordship a secret ? It isn't my name. 
The truth is, an early disgrace of my family 

skindeep. 

I see — a piece of mud upon the ermine. Was it treason, 

or 

spreadweasel. 

It was poverty, my lord ; grim, hungry, hideous poverty. 
Ugh, poverty ! As a boy, I vowed the warfare of a life 
against it. 

skindeep. 

My own emotions to a spasm — go on. 
spreadweasel. 

There were eight of us when I turned from home to fight 
the world. Then I swore I would be rich. 

SKINDEEP. 

And heaven has blessed your good intentions? 



50 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 



SPREADWEASEL. 



I prospered from the first penny ; and then fears came 
upon me, that as I throve, the needy ones I left at home 
would pluck, and pull, and be a fatal weight upon their 



rising brother. 



SKINDEEP. 



It happens so — I know it. What I myself have done for 
younger branches, will, perhaps, never be acknowledged. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

And so I gave it out that I had gone abroad, and shortly 
after that I was dead ; and then — ha ! ha ! — then became I 
Spreadweasel — then I changed my name. And this, my 
lord, was prudence — nothing more. 

SKINDEEP. 

The sagacity of benevolence : for I know my own heart, 
and I'll be sworn you promised to yourself the sweet delight, 
when you were rich enough, to go back and scatter wealth 
about your early home. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

I did— I did. 

SKINDEEP. 

How delicious to one who loves his species, to return 
among the creatures of his blood, and, like a good genius 
risen from the grave, to bless their hearts with plenty and 
with joy ! 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Don't— don't ! 

SKINDEEP. 

To press a long-lost brother's hand — a sister's lip; to 
embrace a nephew here, and here a niece, and rain a 
shower of gold upon their hearths and heads ! 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Delicious ! 

SKINDEEP. 

But you hav'n't done it yet ? 

SPREADWEASEL. 

No. 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 51 

SKINDEEP. 

No. But you will — you will — you will ? 

SPREAD WEASEL. 

Some day, I think I shall. 

SKINDEEP. 

My dear friend, repress this amiable agitation. Here 
comes Smoke. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

What I've said is secret. 

SKINDEEP. 

Treasured in the recesses of my soul : for well I know, 
how few like me can judge the motives of a heart like 
yours. The world ! Ha ! if my constitution would only 
have stood it, I had left the world years ago and turned 
hermit. (Spreadweasel goes up stage.) 

Enter Smoke. 

smoke. 

My lord, you cannot imagine the pressing need I have 
of a thousand pounds. 

SKINDEEP. 

Don't wrong my imagination. I can perfectly. 

smoke. 
I think old Plutus, there, will lend me the money. 

SKINDEEP. 

And won't you take it ? 

SMOKE. 

Decidedly. You see, a sudden chance has turned, which 
will enable me in four-and-twenty hours to make one 
thousand six. 

SKINDEEP. 

Ha ! You are fortune's child, captain. 

SMOKE. 

It's plain, then, the lady's ashamed of her son ; for as 

e 2 



52 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

yet she's never owned me. However, I'm serious. One 
thousand I'll make six. 

SKINDEEP. 

In four-and-twenty hours ? All I can say is, I wish you 
a day older. 

SMOKE. 

I knew the kindness of your heart ; you'll assist me ? 

SKINDEEP. 

Any thing I can do for my fellow-man; but for you, 
Smoke, heart and pocket, both are open to you. For your 
sake alone, I wish both were equally full. 

SMOKE. 

My lord, I wouldn't touch your pocket for the world ; I 
reverence your heart ; and all I want is, one half-minute's 
use of your right hand. 

SKINDEEP. 

(Grasping his hand.) You have it, Smoke, — you have 
it ; and my best wishes with it. 

SMOKE. 

I knew you'd not refuse me. Here's the bill. (Pre- 
senting if.) 

SKINDEEP. 

(Taking paper, looking at it, and, affecting a hurst of emo- 
tion, returning it to Smoke.) You didn't mean it, but 
you've struck me to the soul. 

smoke. 

What's the matter ? This emotion at the sight of a mere 
bill is — (aside) — just three months too soon. It's like weep- 
ing at an onion— in the seed. 

SKINDEEP. 

You have opened an old wound. My dear father, on his 
death bed, — ha! what a father he was! — my dear father 
said, "Barnaby, my dear Barnaby, never while you live 
refuse an honest man your hand ; but, my beloved boy, be 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 53 

sure of one thing ; when you give your hand, oh ! never, 
never have a pen in it. I know you didn't mean it, but 
you've called my father up before me. (Turning to 
Spread weasel.) Will you walk into the library? Fond 
of books ? 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Very fond. There's in the very air of a library some- 
thing that's delicious. 



SKIN DEE P. 



There is — there is. (Aside.) He means the Russia 
bindings. [Exeunt Skindeep and Spreadweasel. 

smoke. 

He's a noble fellow, that Melon ; and, I'm resolved upon 
it, shall not be swallowed by that crocodile wine-merchant. 
One thousand pounds : his lordship refuses. No matter ; 
the money must be had, and so I'll follow Spreadweasel to 
the library, and talk to him about philosophy. It sha'n't be 
my fault if he don't need it. [Exit 

Enter Melon and Guinea. 

MELON. 

Fly, or we shall have that terrible widow spoiling all. 

GUINEA. 

First, sir, could you tell me what sort of a man the 
Emperor of Russia is ? He has advertised for some money, 
and — I only ask for a friend— do you think he's safe ? 

MELON. 

Unquestionably. You wouldn't doubt an emperor? 

GUINEA. 

Why, when emperors want money, they're very like 
common folks after all. And now, sir, — yes, I'm going 
directly — I want your legal opinion. (Aside.) As he 
seldom pays me for Miss Florentia's letters, I've a right to 
his law for nothing. This it is, sir : if a woman marries— I 
only ask for a friend — can't she settle every farthing of her 
money fast upon her own self? 



54 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

MELON. 

Certainly. 

GUINEA. 

She can ? That gives great strength to the weaker sex. 

MELON. 

And yet, where a woman bestows her heart and hand 

GUINEA. 

But women ar'n't all hearts and hands ; pockets go for 
something. And she can settle all her money on herself? 
That takes much risk from the holy state. (Aside.) Mr. 
Kimbo's getting tenderer and tenderer ; if his shares con- 
tinue to go up, I think I shall bless him. [Exit 

MELON. 

How, how to break off this miserable match, yet avoid 
the penalty ? If Chatham would but run away with Pamela, 
marry her, and so save my fortune ? But no ; to make my 
misery complete, the wench is fond of me. I never thought 
to break a woman's heart, and yet — self-preservation is a 
powerful law — it must be done. 

Enter Florentia. 

FLORENTIA. 

At last, you're in this house. My aunt must now, indeed, 
be happy. 

melon. 

Nay, Florentia, why this temper ? If I endure your aunt's 

civility 

florentia. 

Civility ! 

melon. 

Is it not my love for you that 

FLORENTIA. 

Makes you play the hypocrite to an unsophisticated 
widow ? 'Twas for me you walked and talked to her for 
hours upon the sands, whilst I was bid to pick up shells and 
star-fish, and sea-weed, my aunt had such a sudden love 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 55 

for all marine productions. Many a time would I have 
changed condition with a mermaid. 

MELON. 

Once I thought you had. 

FLORENTIA. 

Sir! 

MELON. 

It was that delicious hour, when seated on the cliff, you 
poured your voice upon the breathless night. 

FLORENTIA. 

Oh! 

MELON. 

And though I was fathoms deep in love before, at every 
note I went still deeper down — deeper than where old 
Neptune sat, and all the syrens, envious prima donnas, 
wept with rage to listen to you. 

FLORENTIA. 

So deep as that? And pray when did you come up 
again? But, sir, these rhapsodies must end. I shall no 
longer be a — a particeps criminis, I believe you call it, to 
your duplicity towards my excellent aunt. This day — 
within an hour — I must receive my husband. 

MELON. 

Be it so. I think I have money enough for the ring and 
wedding fees, and then, come poverty, come and hallow 
a back- parlour ! 

FLORENTIA. 

Poverty, sir ! — No, sir ; no. 

MELON. 

She has a haggard face and evil eye ; and what is worse, 
a reputation that in this world makes her the very vilest 
company. Yet, if she bring you, Florentia, poverty her- 
self shall learn the smiling of content, and though all the 
world shun us for our wicked guest, she shall sit at our 
hearth, nor hear from us a word to wound her. 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 



FLORENTIA. 



(Aside. J Now, wouldn't any woman love him ? Our 
hearth, sir ! — Know, when I named a husband, I spoke of 
Sir Phenix Clearcake. 

MELON. 

Ah, Florentia ! I'm not to be frightened from such fruit 
by such a scarecrow. Have done with teazing ; and like 
a good girl, plot with me to save ten thousand pounds. If 
Pamela, refusing me, wed first, my father's will gives me my 
money, with ten thousand more on old Spreadweasel's 
bond. If I refuse the lady, my fortune goes to swell her 
dower, and I am penniless. Now, are there no means of 
finding the girl a good husband ? 

FLORENTIA. 

I can't tell : 'tis said, the creature every day becomes a 
greater scarcity. My aunt declares 'twill soon be an ex- 
tinct species. Talking of my aunt, that lady, knowing the 
contract that holds you and Miss Spreadweasel, has, for 
reasons which she best can tell, already introduced a rival, 
— Mr. Chatham Brown. 

MELON. 

Yes ; he has seen or dreamt of some goddess, and — 
oor fellow ! — thinks 'tis she. Pamela, a goddess ! I never 
new one of her sex so serious a common-place. 

FLORENTIA. 

She's a delightful creature. I find we're early friends — 
schoolfellows; and when I think of all our school-girl 
vows of love and amity, I feel 'twould be very, very 
wicked to deprive her of you. 

melon. 
I'll take the sin upon myself. 

FLORENTIA. 

Her fondness, too, for you is so intense — poor thing ! — 
'twould kill her. 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 57 



MELON. 

You think so? (Aside.) Now, to turn this tide of 
early friendship. Then honour, manhood, mere humanity 
forbids it. And then she is so very delightful, you say ? 
Didn't you say she was very delightful ? 

FLORENTIA. 

I said — that is, I think I said — delightful. 

MELON. 

And I, dazzled, fascinated by some errant ray — some 
meteor of the fancy — have overlooked the priceless gem 
that 

FLORENTIA. 

Excellent; your wit improves, sir. Give you a fitting 
theme, and 

MELON. 

Ha, madam ! the indissoluble tie of school-girl love ! 
Isn't that a theme ? Oh, from what a precipice, have you 
snatched me — snatched yourself ! 

FLORENTIA. 

I !— I, sir ! 

MELON. 

In what appalling colours have you shewn the falsehood 
of the act ! 

FLORENTIA. 

I said, sir — I merely said 

MELON. 

Beautifully, indeed, you said, — no blessing could light 
upon a union bought with a broken heart. Sorrow — as 
you said — would fill our days, remorse our nights ; whilst 
— as you touchingly observed — our children, 

FLORENTIA, 

I beg, sir, I — I — I merely passingly observed, that Miss 
Spreadweasel was a — a — rather a nice sort of person, and 
that — that you're a false, unfeeling man. 



58 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

MELON. 

(Aside.) School-girl vows of love ! Nay, Florentia, 
there shall be no treason in our marriage. You and 
the poet shall still be right — at love's perjuries Jove shall 
still laugh. 

FLORENTIA. 

And you, I fear, still find him matter for his mirth. 

MELON. 

Never! by this (laughter without^) What's that? 

FLORENTIA. 

Oh, nothing. 

MELON. 

Surely that wasn't Pamela? 

FLORENTIA. 

Why not ? (Laughter repeated.) 

MELON. 

It is her voice; — and yet so sweet, so hearty ! I never 
heard her laugh so joyously before. 

FLORENTIA. 

Perhaps not. (Aside.) I don't like this. If, now, she 
should really love him ! But I'll watch them both. 

Enter Pamela, Brown, and Chatham Brown. 

brown. 

Charming Miss Spreadweasel ! how fortunate that my 
son's principles 

PAMELA. 

Principles ! What are they ? I vow — ha ! Harry, dear, 
how d'ye do ? 

MELON. 

(Aside.) What transformation's this. 

PAMELA. 

Don't stare, good folks : you know, he's to be my hus- 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 59 

band ; he was left me by his excellent father : wer'n't you, 
Harry ? 

BROWN. 

An admirable legacy. 

PAMELA. 

It might have been worse ; and then it's so kind of 
people before they're buried, to settle how the world shall 
go on when they have done with it. 

Enter Lord Skindeep. 

SKINDEEP. 

{Aside.) Smoke has fastened upon my vulgar friend, 
and — ha ! ladies, ladies ! Ha ! Miss Spreadweasel ! {Aside.) 
She is effulgently handsome. 

BROWN. 

Oh, my lord, you know not what our cause owes to this 
lady ! You admired my son's principles, didn't ye ? 

PAMELA. 

To say the truth, of the two sets they best suited my 
complexion. 

CHATHAM. 

Your complexion, fair lady ? 

PAMELA. 

Yes : your colours were yellow, the other party's blue ; 
and, as it was the fashion to wear a ribbon of some sort, 
'twas lucky that I found your principles the most becoming. 
I'm sure there were many who couldn't give a better 
reason for 'em. 

MELON. 

{Aside to Florentia.) I'm confounded. Such sudden 
animation ! 

florentia. 

Very sudden. {Aside,) How his eyes glisten as she talks! 

CHATHAM. 

Nay, I am sure you were instigated by a spirit the 
finest 



60 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

PAMELA. 

And the strongest in the world, — the spirit of contradic- 
tion. I'll tell you how it was. There was a strange man, 
dropt from the moon — a man named Waller — bless me, 
my lord ! do you know him ? 

SKINDEEP. 

Waller — Waller ! Never heard the name — never. 

PAMELA. 

He used to haunt Cowslip Lodge ; such a monster ! He 
stormed at the parrots — abused the macaws — and, more 
than all, found fault with my whist. This man was a blue. 

CHATHAM. 

Of course. Find fault with your whist ! He could be 
nothing else. 

PAMELA. 

I had never thought of the election ; and as I was only 
a guest I endured the monster as best I could. But when, 
adding outrage to outrage, he emptied his snuff-box in the 
face of the dear unoffending little monkey, on that instant, 
and for ever, I became a yellow. 

SKINDEEP. 

I shall think with gratitude upon monkies for the rest of 
my days. 

PAMELA. 

You ought; for you can't tell how much you owe 'em. 
Luckily, as the election drew near, the savage was laid up 
with the gout. Then I travelled over every step of his 
ground, and out of fifty of his votes — yes, out of fifty blues 
— he couldn't boast of ten that were fast colours. 

SKINDEEP. 

Never — never was cruelty to animals so magnificently 
avenged. 

MELON. 

And you, Pamela — you canvassed ! {Aside to Florentia.) 
'Tis plain ; I have been dreaming — fast asleep. 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 61 

FLORENTIA. 

No doubt. (Aside.) And I begin to tremble that you 
ever waked. 

CHATHAM. 

How — how shall we ever repay — ( Taking Pamela's hand.) 

SKINDEEP. 

Exactly ; how shall we ever repay — ( Taking her other 
hand.) 

CHATHAM. 

The gratitude of a life 

SKINDEEP. 

The devotion of my whole existence 

CHATHAM. 

I beg your pardon, my lord ; but 'twas for me the lady 



ssed. 



SKINDEEP. 



Unquestionably ; but you and I, holding the same prin- 
ciples, must in this case feel precisely alike. Therefore, 
our thanks — my thanks 

PAMELA. 

I don't ask them, the enjoyment of the fun was reward 
enough ; for I never talked so much in all my life — never 
was so drolly catechised. What will Mr. Brown promise ? 
He'll promise everything. What will he oppose? Any 
thing. What will he really do ? Nothing. 

BROWN. 

(Aside to Skindeep.) She has a fine intuitive knowledge 
of things. 

SKINDEEP. 

Wonderful ! I couldn't have answered better myself. 

PAMELA. 

At last I struck upon their sympathies. %i Men of Muff- 
borough," said I, " are you to be intimidated?" And the 
men silently glanced at their wives, and there was no doubt 



62 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

of the fact. " Men of Muff borough," said I, " are you 
husbands?" "We are," said two or three of the boldest, 
" and sorry for it." " Men of Muffborough, are you fathers, 
are you men? In a word, will you sell your voices?" I 
had touched the chord ; there was a shout ; and one honest 
creature answered, " That's business, my lady ; what will 
you give us for 'em ?" 

ALL. 

Ha! ha! ha! 

SKINDEEP. 

Yet how can I laugh ? 

BROWN. 

And then you spoke of the — the liberty of the subject? 

PAMELA. 

I did, and with such triumphant effect, that a worthy 
green-grocer, for only five pounds ten, gave freedom to his 
jackdaw. Such sport ! ha ! ha ! And then (to Chatham) 
your speeches from the Dolphin window ! 

BROWN. 

And all made without effort — cost him nothing; posi- 
tively, nothing. 

PAMELA. 

No ! then how generous of the people to give him such 
showers of eggs and apples for 'em. 

CHATHAM. 

Apples ! Nay, I protest, I saw no 

SKINDEEP. 

No, you were too excited for the good of your country ; 
but there were apples : I blush for those I represent to say 
it ; apples, the growth of the neighbourhood. I have stood 
thrice for Muffborough, and should know the fruit any- 
where. There were apples, and — eggs. 

PAMELA. 

Yes — you promised to improve the trade of the place, 
and this spring, they say, chickens will be worth any money. 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 63 

BROWN. 

But the magnificence of the chairing ! that was a sight. 
The triumphal car, and the milk-white horses, and the 
member himself, with his sword by his side, looking as 

PAMELA. 

As if he were afraid to draw it ! And the huzzas of 
the crowd — and the trumpets — and the member's cocked 
hat — and the banners — and the nosegays flung from first 
and second pairs— and the voters on horseback crushing 
the voters on foot — and the cheers of the incorruptible, 
and the smiles of the fair ! Whilst fathers shew the 
patriot to their sons, and mothers bless the gentleman so 
affable and kind, who kissed their little girl, then left ten 
pounds to buy the dear a doll ! 

SKINDEEP. 

Even gratitude has its inconvenience. One can't do 
these things, but foolish people will talk of 'em. (Retires 
up stage with Pamela and others.) 

melon. (Aside.) 

Wherefore has she thus cozened me ? — wherefore dis- 
guised this buoyant, bounding mirth, in strait-laced home- 
liness ? 

florentia. (Aside,) 

Now, I'm sure of it, he dwells upon each new-found 
excellence. What mischief brought her here to-day ! 
{Approaching melon.) Henry. 

MELON. 

Florentia ! — {Retires up stage with Florentia.) 

skindeep. {Coming down.) 
Two minutes have decided it: Miss Spreadweasel be- 
comes Lady Skindeep. Her family is vulgar; but to a 
man of enlarged feelings, who loves his species— and they 
say, she has twenty thousand pounds — there's no vulgarity 
but in the mind. 

Enter Smoke (from Library.) 

SMOKE. 

My dear lord, — do you want a thousand pounds ? 



64 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

SKINDEEP. 

My dear Smoke, take this for an axiom; every man 
whoever he may be, always wants a thousand pounds. 

SMOKE. 

Hear a brief tale. Old Spreadweasel insists upon 
giving me landed property in — here he comes. 

{Enter Spreadweasel.) 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Beautiful books ! Some of them charmingly gilt, too. 

SKINDEEP. 

Ha ! 'tis the inside — 'tis the soul of the book, as of the 
man, friend Spreadweasel, 'tis that alone I regard. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Certainly. Still, the covers are handsome. 
skindeep. (Aside.) 

He is vulgar, — looks vulgar; but his looks may be 
mended. When I have made him my father, I shall shew 
my filial love and put him under a tailor. 

Enter Servant. 

SERVANT. 

Sir Phenix Clearcake. — {Exit.) 

FLORENTIA. 

(Aside to Pamela.) Here's the deceiver. 

Enter Sir Phenix Clearcake. 

sir phenix. 

My lord, I would fain venture a hope that I have not 
delayed the well-known hospitalities of this festive man- 
sion, but though I have flown on the wings of Icarus, — I — 

skindeep. 
If Florentia can forgive you, we must not complain. 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 65 



SIR PHENIX. 

Forgiveness is the beauty, the flower of her sex ; a 
flower, first raised as it were, in Paradise, and now the 
distinguishing ornament of every lady of distinction. 

SKINDEEP. 

Sir Phenix, — my friend Spreadweasel, of Mouse-trap 
Hall, Bow. 

SIR PHENIX. 

Mouse-trap Hall ! Do I see the favoured resident of 
that truly English home, — known in the neighbourhood as 
the cottage of cordiality ? It has two stories, with parlour 
bow- windows — is surrounded by railings of perennial green, 
and for the consolation of the serious, has a backward look 
upon the churchyard ; a churchyard, that only needs ano- 
ther Hervey, for the world to weep over other Meditations. 
Hard and soft water on the premises. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

A perfect picture of my humble roof. Sir Phenix, 
{bringing down Pamela), suffer me to introduce my daughter. 
Pamela, my dear, this is 

PAMELA. 

Major Loo ! 

SPREADWEASEL. 

No ; Sir Phenix Clearcake. 

PAMELA. 

Major Loo ! 

SKINDEEP. 

Nay, Miss Spreadweasel, 'tis Sir Phenix : the accepted 
suitor of Florentia, your friend, and 

PAMELA. 

What ! Florentia ! you another victim ! 

FLORENTIA. 

Victim ! Oh, tell me ! what misery menaces my peace ? 
Your heart — I see it — struggles with some secret grief. 
A victim — his victim ! 



66 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

SKINDEEP. 

( To Sir Phenix.) What is this? Are you, or were you 
ever Major Loo ? 

SIR PHENIX. 

My dear lord, if nature has cast me in a military mould 
— if. I have a look of the line, — if — I say if 

PAMELA. 

Look, Florentia, look : see how conscience blushes in the 
major's cheek ! 

SIR PHENIX. 

Not conscience, madam — not conscience : but the 
timidity of innocence. 

SKINDEEP. 

Innocence ! There must be something in it if you cry 
innocence so soon. Tell all, sweet lady — tell all. 

PAMELA. 

The major there 

SIR PHENIX. 

(Aside.) If I'm not loud, I'm lost. I — I at once repu- 
diate the major. Though, madam, I may possibly resem- 
ble somebody on the Army List, I am not military but 
civic. Know, madam, I am an alderman — of the skinners' 
company, madam — an alderman, and hold the scales of 
justice. 

PAMELA. 

The more your wickedness to give short weight. Clotilda 
Montmorency ! 

FLORENTIA. 

Ha ! I divine my wretchedness. I read it in the culprit's 
cowering eye — his ashy cheek — his purple lip. 

SIR PHENIX. 

(Aside.) It can't be true ; but I'd give ten pounds to look 
in a glass. 

SKINDEEP. 

For a guiltless man, Sir Phenix, your innocence is of a 
timid, gentle sort. 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 67 



SMOKE. 

Yes, apparently so gentle, a lady may drive it. 

SIR PHENIX. 

The truth is, dear Florentia, this is a mistake — a- 

PAMELA. 



Florentia ! Clotilda ! A double friendship makes me 
doubly bold. Man, — do you know Brixton ? 

SIR PHENIX. 

No ! That is, yes ; by tradition. 

PAMELA. 

And know you not Minerva House ? 

SKINDEEP. 

And know you not Minerva House ? 

FLORENTIA. 

And know you not Minerva House ? 

SIR PHENIX. 

I — I think I do, yes : 'tis in a row of uniform mansions, 
the middle one greatly preponderating. There are grass- 
plots in front, with well stocked gardens behind. Omni- 
buses pass the door every five minutes. 

PAMELA. 

Attend, Florentia ; and you, my lord, whose heart beats 
only for your species, judge that naughty man. Clotilda 
Montmorency — alas, sweet girl ! — little thought she when 
she listened to his tales of glory, that the major's only com- 
pany was of the skinners ! 

SPRE ADWEASEL. 

Perhaps, Pamela, this history had better be deferred. 

PAMELA, 

Father, I have a vow to my early friend. My lord, 
fancy a lovely innocent creature, in the blush and bloom of 
artless sixteen. I say, fancv her. 

f 2 



68 BUBBLES OF THE DAY, 

SKINDEEP. 

I can fancy her perfectly. 

PAMELA. 

With a soul of romance, caught by the honied words of 
middle-aged deceit ! Imagine that, Florentia ! 

FLORENTIA. 

I do — I see it. 

PAMELA. 

My lord, Clotilda loved, and was deserted. She still was 
beautiful; but the canker was in the rose — the lute was 
shattered — the dove was stricken — and Clotilda died. 

SIR PHENIX. 

( Aside. ) Then I'm comfortable. 

SKINDEEP. 

And this monster 

PAMELA. 

There he stands, stained with a broken heart ! 

FLORENTIA. 

Oh, Pamela ! And this man was to have led me to the 
church ! 

PAMELA. 

And if he had, the ghost of Clotilda — he knows she 
knew music — would have played the Dead March in the 
organ -loft. 

SIR PHENIX. 

(Aside.) As she's dead, there's no proof. I protest this 
is altogether a mistake. There's no proof that 

PAMELA. 

Before she died, she placed the monster's letters in my 
hand. I vowed to carry them ever about me, and— (pro- 
ducing them) — here they are. 

SKINDEEP. 

I lis letters ! 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 69 



SIR PHENIX. 



Not mine — not mine ! And even if they were, they're 
follies of youth — wild oats — mere — ha ! ha ! — mere wild 
oats ! 

SKINDEEP. 

Is this your reverence for human nature ? Wild oats ! 
Nightshade ! Hemlock ! Wild oats* Every letter here's 
a dagger to the trusting bosom of devoted woman. 

FLORENTIA. 

Oh, my lord ! 

SPREADWEASEL. 

What lovely language ! 

SKINDEEP. 

Every flourish a mortal serpent to a woman's heart. 
The whole alphabet is here no less than six-and- twenty 
black assassins, marshalled to stab a woman's peace ! 

SIR PHENIX. 

The alphabet has, I know, much stabbing to answer for ; 
but I never employed it in those letters. 

PAMELA. 

Read them, my lord. 

smoke and others. 
Read — read ! 

SIR PHENLX. 

I protest against that, though I know nothing of 'em ; 
but to read the letters of a gentleman — to go over the whole 
premises of his heart, without permission — I — do as you 
please — I'll not stay — I'll be no party to [Going. 

FLORENTIA. 

Plain — plain ! Conscience-stricken, he would fly expo- 
sure. My dear, dear friend, what do I owe you for my 
preservation ! And Clotilda — she is dead ! I'm very ill. 
Call my maid. 

PAMELA. 

Clotilda's dead. Nor is there monument or stone to 
mark the spot where lie her cold remains ! 



70 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 



SKINDEEP. 



No monument J Sir Phenix, this is worse than all. 
Broken hearts, with the best intentions, will happen ; but 
to raise no stone to your victim's memory — to write no 
epitaph — I put it to you as a man, have you no love for 



your species ? 



sm PIIENLX. 



As far as a small monument, or a tombstone goes, I'll 
give that, but 

SKINDEEP. 

No man can do more ; you've said enough. Erect a 
handsome tombstone, and so silence the world with the 
beauty of remorse. 

SIR PHENIX. 

But still I know nothing of the lady ; and even if I did 
— suppose it was all true — I say, suppose it was — if a man's 
to be crushed by a few things of this sort, what's the use 
of his respectability ? I ask again — what's the use of 

Enter Guinea. 
Guinea. 
(Running to Florentia.) Oh ! my lady ill ! 
Guinea looks significantly at Shi Phenix, who recognises Jur. 

PAMELA. 

No wonder, that she's ill. What she has heard would 
call tears from a stone. 

SIR PHENIX. 

(Aside.) It has done more than that: I think it has 
called the dead from the grave. The slut! Though 
'tis ten years past I'll swear 'tis she. Will not sweet 
Florentia be comforted ? 

FLOHENTIA. 

Accost me not! Methinks I see the spectre of your 
victim at }'our side. 

SIR PHENIX. 

(Aside.) Methinks so, too. Perhaps, Miss Spread- 
weasel 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 71 

PAMELA. 

Go, Sir Phenix, go : and if Balaam Chapel yet be built, 
pray there to be made better. Come, Florentia. 

(Florentia is led off ly Pamela and Guinea : the latter 
continuing to eye Sir Phenix.) 

CHATHAM. 

Oh, Sir Phenix ! [Exit. 

MELON. 

(To Sir Phenix.) An alderman, too! 

[Exit, following Flore n tia. 

SMOKE. 

And of the Skinner's company — fie, fie ! [Exit. 

BROWN. 

Never mind ; for all her pouts, she'll like you the better 
for it. [Exit 

SKINDEEP. 

How can any man, let him love his species as he may, 
be such a fool as to put his heart upon paper ? 

SPREAD WEASEL. 

I know, when I courted, I took lawyer's advice, and 
signed every letter to my love, — "your's without pre- 
judice." [Exeunt Skindeep and Spreadweasel. 

SIR PHENIX. 

It is she — I'll swear 'tis 

(Guinea runs in.) 

GUINEA. 

My mistress has left her salts, and 

SIR phenix. 

(Brings Guinea down.) Now, stare well in my face — I 
know you can ; and give me your opinion. 

GUINEA. 

My opinion, Sir Phenix ? 



72 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

SIR PHENIX. 

I am about to erect a little monument to a broken- 
hearted woman, and I wish to consult you on the epitaph. 
Don't you think this — it has just popped into my brain — 
this will tell the tale ? Hem ! 

"Beneath this weeping willow's shade, 
Here, reader, lies a lady's maid ? " 

Will that serve ? 

GUINEA. 

Beautifully, with this addition : — 
Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

SIR PHENIX. 

Slut ! baggage ! 

[Guinea runs off, laughing, followed by Sir Phenix. 



All killed she was by Major Loo, 
The only thing he ever slew ! " 



ACT IV. 

Scene. — Lord Skin deep's Library. 
Enter Lord Skindeep and Spreadweasel. 

spreadweasel, (who is muddled with wine.) 

My lord, would you not have me rest quietly in my 
grave ? 

skindeep. 
Most certainly. 

spreadweasel. 

Then I appeal to your humanity. 

skindeep. 

Don't. Any body who does that makes an infant of me, 
I can refuse 'em nothing. 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 73 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Marry her ; and save my child from a profligate. 

SKINDEEP. 

But Mr. Melon may amend — may recover himself. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

He can't. So I shall sleep in peace? You'll wed 
Pamela ? 

SKINDEEP. 

To shew you what I'll do for my species — I — I'll marry 
your sweet child. You appeal to my humanity, and — ha ! 
friend Spreadweasel, the human heart is a great mystery, 

SPREADWEASEL. 

So they say. 

SKINDEEP. 

It has chords— chords — chords. I never thought to 
marry ; for in very early life, death cut my affections to the 
quick. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Well, give 'em time, and they often grow the better for 
the cutting. 

SKINDEEP. 

That's a beautiful — a philosophical thought. I feel 'em 
shooting now. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

And so you'll marry Pamela? 

SKINDEEP. 

I can't say much; former years rush back— the grave 
opens — I — 'tis over. {Seizing his hand.) Consider me 
your son. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

{Aside.) That I, who have sold shoestrings, should be 
father to a lord ! But this spendthrift, Melon, — he must 
be tricked, cheated, gulled. 

SKINDEEP. 

Well, any thing I can do for my — that is — gulled ? How 
—what ? 



74 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 



SPREADWEASEL. 



We must make him marry somebody first : thus he 
forfeits his fortune, I save my ten thousand pounds, and 
Pamela, your wife, gets all. So when we have put him 
in fetters, you and Pam may be bound hi roses. 

SKINDEEP. 

Having deprived him of one wife, humanity counsels 
that we should find him another. (Aside.) Mrs. Quarto 
— I saw her at dinner — looked the whole marriage service 
at him. Leave the matter to me. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

(Aside.) And now to get his interest for the widow. 
My lord — my — my son ! I — I have something in my 
bosom. 

SKINDEEP. 

In your bosom ? Break the ice, then — out with it ! 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Mrs. Quarto is, I believe, a relation, or 

SKINDEEP. 

There is a sort of shadowy cousinship between us. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Well, then, my lord, I 

Enter Brown, followed by Smoke, ioIw lounges in. 

BROWN. 

My lord ! my lord ! A quarter to nine ! The house, my 
lord ! 

SKINDEEP. 

I shall be quite in time to vote. Drumbleby isn't off 
his legs yet, I know ; and though he thinks he's dropping 
diamonds he always talks tapeworms. I beg your pardon 
for quitting you, but Mr. Spreadweasel and I 

BROWN. 

And Chatham, too, on such a night — when he has pro- 
mised me to speak — to waste his time with foolish girls ! 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 75 



SKIN DEEP. 

Well, tear Chatham from the ladies, and since my coun- 
try calls me, I obey. (Brown hurries off.) I'm distressed to 
leave you ; but this it is to represent one's fellow creatures. 
My dear Spreadweasel, make my house your own. I'll say 
farewell to the ladies — (aside) — coax the girl to give me 
a meeting, and carry off my prize this very night. [Exit 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Captain, his lordship must be very rich ? 

SMOKE. 

Rich ! His heart alone is worth a million. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Yes, but sinking the heart 

SMOKE. 

Sinking his heart, even then nobody knows his wealth. 
How now, why do you look at me and sigh ? Why so sad ? 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Well, I am sad, to think that you will cut down your 
timber. 

SMOKE. 

Oh, ha ! in Northamptonshire ? Yes ; oak, elm, maple, 
all shall go. In fact, I'll cut every twig I have. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Oh, consider ; the trees that have shaded your grand- 
father — that you have climbed as a boy — that — that— but 
if you will sacrifice, don't go to Shark, come to me, I'll be 
your friend: as you've exposed that prodigal Melon, I'll— 

Enter Skindeep and Chatham. 

skendeep. 

Once more, farewell — we're off — inexorable duty — amor 
patrice will have it so. (Aside.) Pamela consents to give 
me a meeting ; so I'll set my colleague to watch the interests 
of the country, and then fly back to conquest. 



76 BUBBLES OE THE DAY. 



CHATHAM. 



Farewell, sir, — farewell. (Aside. J I'll see my excellent 
father safe in the gallery, my fellow member in his seat, 
and then back again to Pamela. 

SKLNDEEP. 

Smoke, I charge you, amuse my dear friend here. ( Aside 
to Smoke.) He's muddled already ; drench him, and let 
'em put him to bed. 

Brown, sen. appears at the door. 

brown. 

My lord — my lord — Chatham, for shame ! You'll not 
hear a word of this debate ! 

SKINDEEP. 

All the better : for as we've made up our opinions on the 
question, nobody can say we're prejudiced by the arguments 
of either party. Farewell — farewell. 

[Exeunt all bid Spreadweasel and Smoke. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Now, they mayn't be in their quiet beds till four or five 
o'clock ; and all for their country. Ha ! such men make us 
deeply indebted. 

SMOKE. 

Such men do. 

Enter Corks. 

corks. 

(To Smoke.) Mr. Malmsley Shark, sir: he apologises 
for the hour, but business of importance 

smoke. 

Though he visits with the owl, he's welcome as the lark. 

spreadweasel. 

Nothing could be luckier. We'll make him drink — he 
loves wine. 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 77 



SMOKF. 

If he's sure 'tis not his own. 

SPREADWEASEL. 



Learn all his dealings with Melon, and engage him to 
lock him up as he leaves the house. Then — -for his lord- 
ship has a wife for him — when the screw is turned tighter 
than he can bear it, he'll come at our own terms into our 
trap — he'll marry — ha ! ha ! 

SMOKE. 

(Aside.) Now, isn't it a moral obligation on a man to 
cheat such a rascal? I acknowledge the force of the 
appeal, and will respond to it. An excellent plot ! Come, 
sir — come. s \_Exeunt. 

CORKS. 

I took the message from John that I might get to the 
shelves. (Sits : takes MS. from his pocket.) I think I've 
prettily flogged his lordship on his last night's speech. 
He'll not forget " Brutus the Elder " while he lives. Every 
word's a thistle. How I'll double down the paper for him at 
the place on Sunday ! ( Taking bottle of wine out of his 
pocket, and placing it on table.) I'll take my glass of bur- 
gundy here, for his lordship will not be home till four or 
five ; and I like to write with my books about me. (Rises; 
leaves MS. in chair, and approaches book shelves.) Let me 
see, I'm sure I put " Junius " here. Lord Skindeep can't 
have removed it. I want the book just for a shake or so 
of pepper. 

Florentia and Pamela run in, (Florentia throws herself 
in chair in which is MS.) 

FLORENTIA. 

Oh, Pamela ! what an escape ! Here — here we can 
breathe — here we can — (sees Corks.) — Well? 

CORKS. 

Did you call, madam ? 

FLORENTIA. 

No. You hear ? No. 



78 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

CORKS. 

{Aside.) They'll soon go ; I'll watch 'em out, and come 
again. [Exit 

PAMELA. 

Ha ! ha ! Was ever any thing like the alderman's 
penitence ? 

FLORENTIA. 

Don't name him, dear Pamela ! What's to be the 
end of this? 

PAMELA. 

Nay, you know the sentence — matrimony. 

FLORENTIA. 

With Sir Phenix ? No ! I'll change my religion first, 
and die a nun. 

PAMELA. 

Die a nun ! Don't talk in that wicked way, or something 
will happen to you. I have it. The surest way to prevent 
the alderman's becoming your husband is — 

FLORENTIA. 

Yes? 

PAMELA. 

To get somebody in his place. 

FLORENTIA. 

Oh ! I have thought of that myself. 

PAMELA. 

Consider. Among your acquaintance is there no well- 
spoken, good-looking young man of an obliging disposition. 
I'm sure there must be hundreds. 

FLORENTIA. 

Yes ; but you know when one's in a hurry, there's no 
finding what one seeks. Oh, Pamela ! did you observe my 
aunt? How she sat with her eyes fixed on poor Mr. 
Melon ? I'm sure I quite felt for him. 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 79 

PAMELA. 

Your compassion was evident enough. By the way, 
don't you think Melon himself would pay you the compli- 
ment of wedlock? 

FLORENTIA. 

La, Pamela ! Do you suppose I'd steal my friend's lover ? 

PAMELA. 

I do, and more, — believe you'd exult in the felony. 
With women as with warriors, there's no robbery — all's 
conquest, 

FLORENTIA. 

And finally, you're resolved never to marry Melon ? 

PAMELA. 

Never ; though he were the last man left us who could 
walk without a crutch. 

FLORENTIA. 

You're a good creature, and I'll trust you. We've 
settled it all — he runs away with me. 

PAMELA. 

My service to your women's conscience. And how for 
his fortune ? If he marry first, the man I wed obtains his 
wealth. 

FLORENTIA. 

For all that, he vows he'll snatch me from the alderman, 
and — bless his heart ! — live in a back parlour. 

PAMELA. 

Melon must not lose his fortune. To prove to you my 
regard — to shew to the unbelieving world the sacrifice one 
woman will make for another. I'll — I'll marry first ! 

FLORENTIA. 

(Embracing her.) Was there ever such a friend ? Where, 
now, to find your husband ? 

PAMELA. 

Oh, fortune's very good. I've one, and one to spare. 



80 BUBBT.ES of the day. 

FLORENTIA. 

Nay, I can guess one — the member, Mr. Chatham 
Brown. 

PAMELA. 

Muffborough — elysian spot ! — has two members : in love 
and politics alike unanimous. Therefore, if to-night I 
should rashly start for the church 

FLORENTIA. 

Depend upon't, I follow in the morning. 

Enter Melon, (who feigns intoxication, speaking as he enters, 
and followed bg Sir Phenlx. ) 

Go home in your chariot ! Not were it an Indian king's, 
naming with carbuncles. 

FLORENTIA. 

{Aside.) Melon ! and so suddenly thus! 

SIR PHENLX. 

My dear Mr. Melon, have you no regard for respect- 
ability ? 

MELON. 

I despise it : it has spoilt so many noble fellows. 

PAMELA. 

Why, Harry, what has brought you to this ? 

MELON. 

Despair ! I was left with nothing but the alderman and 
the bottle ; who can blame me for the choice I've made ? 
And now he wants me to go home. 

SIR PHENIX. 

I'll set you down in my carriage. 

MELON. 

Your carriage ! There's no room in it — 'tis full of fiends. 

SIR PHENIX. 

My carriage ! A thing built, as the swan of Avon would 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 



81 



say, by fairy's coachmaker for — (significantly to Florentia) 
— for the queen of fairy. Fiends ! 

MELON. 

Pride, arrogance, covetousness, hardness of heart — all 
the tribe of imps — I've seen 'em leering out at the windows 
— take a daily airing with you. 

Enter Smoke, followed by Spreadweasel. 

SMOKE. 

[Aside to Melon.) Keep very drunk; if you quit the 
house, you're lost. 

MELON. 

Ha ! my honoured father ! 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Father — father to a wine-bottle ! 

MELON. 

Then be proud of your son. Ha ! sweet little Pam. — 
my bride, by right of sheepskin ! 

SPREADWEASEL. 

( Aside to Pamela.) Isn't this horrible ? 

PAMELA. 

Shocking. (Aside to Florentia.) What can he mean? 
He does but feign, I'm sure. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

(Aside to Pamela.) He's so every night. What an 
escape you'll have ! not a sot's wife, but a lord's lady. 
Now, Harry — my good Harry — go home. 

MELON. 

Home ! such a dreadful night ! 

SIR PHENIX. 

'Tis a lovely night ; the very fellow to that on which the 
youthful Hero swam the Hellespont The moon must 

G 



82 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

remind the traveller of Italy ; the stars have the most 
recherche twinkle — whilst scented zephyrs 

MELON. 

Agnes — agues are about to-night. Colds, catarrhs that 
way-lay honest diners-out, and make wives widows, babies 
fatherless, and break the plighted hearts of doating maidens. 
Now, as it's on my conscience to marry, I'll take care of 
myself, and sleep here. 

SMOKE. 

{Aside to Melon.) Be sure you hold to that. 
Enter Malmsey Shark. 

SHARK. 

(Aside to Spread weasel.) They're ready on the watch. 
Ha ! ha ! Only get him to leave the house, since you won't 
have him taken here. 

spread weasel. 
(Aside to him.) His lordship mightn't like it. 

SHARK. 

And then — ha! ha! — they pounce upon him. (To 
Melon.) Ha ! ha ! Mr. Melon ; what's the news, sir? 

MELON. 

Hav'n't you heard ? Bacchus is dead. 

SMOKE. 

But that can't affect you, Shark; as wine-merchant you've 
always done without him. 

SHARK. 

Dead, eh ? Ha ! ha ! Poor Bacchus ! how did he die ? 

MELON. 

Why, he turned money-lender, and made of glorious wine 
a rascal subterfuge to drive a scoundrel trade ; with usury 
drugged the heart-delighting cup — and what before was 
nectar for the gods, became slow poison to the lip of man. 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 83 

SHARK. 

Ha ! ha ! Bacchus dead ! I shouldn't wonder if the 
trade go into mourning. But how did he die ? 

MELON. 

His own tigers — honest brutes— ashamed of their mas- 
ter's doings, tore him to pieces. 

SHARK. 

Ha! ha ! {Aside to Spread weasel.) My tigers in the 
street will tear somebody else. But Mr. Melon 

MELON. 

Hence ! thou canker of the vine ! 

SHARK. 

If 'twere any body else now, I should really be offended. 
Mr. Melon, I go your way. 

MELON. 

And for that reason, I'll not travel the road until 'tis 
purified by the morning air ! 

SHARK. 

(Aside to Spreadweasel.) Turn him into the street. 
Ha ! ha ! we'll find him a lodging. (To Melon.) Bacchus 
is dead, eh ? Ha ! ha ! His debtors needn't rejoice — he has 
left executors. [Exit 

PAMELA. 

Now, Harry, like a good boy let Sir Phenix set you down. 
Go. 

MELON. 

Go ! Oh, Cupid, was such a mouth made for such a 
word? Go ! Then hospitality — maid of the desert— take 
me to your tent, and let me end my life on milk and dates. 

FLORENTIA. 

Mr. Melon, be advised— pray go. 

MELON. 

You too ! You, with your loadstar eyes, cry go ! Thus, 

g 2 



84 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

thus cries the magnet to the needle, — go ; and thus it is 
obeyed. (Is about to embrace her : Sir Phenix interposes. ) 

SIR PHENIX. 

Mr. Melon— that lady, sir, is within a very close prox- 
imity to the altar — with me, sir, with me. I can pardon 
the exuberance of wine — but even wine, though of a very 
favorite vintage. 

MELON. 

Sir, you're a man of spirit: I'll give you satisfaction 
directly. 

SPREADW EASEL. 

That's right — immediately ; now, while your blood's warm. 
(Aside.) Any thing to get him into the street. 

SIR PHENIX. 

Satisfaction! (Aside to Smoke.) You hear? he call's me 
out ! 

SMOKE. 

Never mind : you're a magistrate — bind yourself over to 
keep the peace. 

SIR PHENIX. 

We shall meet, sir, — when you're cool. Then, sir, you 
shall find 

MELON. 

What shall I find, sir ? 

SIR PHENIX. 

That I'm open to an apology. \_Hurries off. 

SMOKE. 

(Aside to Spreadweasel.) Leave him to me — I'll cajole 
him. {Aside to Melon.) Feign to go ; then throw yourself 
upon a couch, and resolutely fall asleep. Come, Melon, 
you'd belter go — you alarm the ladies. 

MELON. 

Thi.t's enough. But will the ladies see me down stairs? 

FLORENTIA and PAMELA. 

Yes — yes : certainly. 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 85 

MELON. 

Will they curtsey me out of Paradise ? Then good 
night, father-in-law, good night. May your bed be roses, 
and your bolster bank-notes. 

Melon is taken off by Smoke, Pamela, and Florentia. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

With such a bolster never mind the bed. He's gone ; 
in a few minute she's caught, and I shall be father to a lord. 
That I, Jonas Waller, the pauper, should be father to a 
lord ! What's here ? Something to assist his lordship's 
studies. (Helps himself to wine.") And this mansion will 
be to me as my own ! These books — these statues. Some- 
how I feel taller — bigger. What's this? (Takes MS. left 
by Corks.) One of his lordship's speeches? (Drinks and 
reads, gradually falling asleep.) Excellent wine. " Mr. 
Editor, — When I consider" — it is very fine wine — "the 
—the British lion has been" — twenty years in bottle, — 
"like the air we breathe — have it not — we — we — die — die." 
(Falls asleep.) 

Enter Corks, (cautiously.) 

CORKS. 

I've forgotten « Brutus the Elder." What ! Old Spread- 
weasel reading ? No — asleep ! If his lordship sees it I'm 
undone. I don't mind serving my country, but I can't lose 
my place. (Corks is advancing towards Spreadweasel, as 
Lord Skindeep enters.) 

skindeep. 
Corks here ! 

corks. 

Now — (about to take paper from Spreadweasel) — now 
for a light finger. 

skindeep. 
Corks! 

CORKS. 

My lord ! 

SKINDEEP. 

What do you here ? 

CORKS. 

Mr. Spreadweasel, my lord — I — I set wine before him 
as he ordered, and I thought he might want something. 



bb BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

SKTNDEEP. 

Don't disturb him — he has read himself asleep. 

CORKS. 

(Aside.) Asleep, and over such a piece of writing ! 
Spreadweasel lets paper fall ; Corks hastily picks it up. 

SKINDEEP. 

Give it me: you hear? I'll preserve it till he wakes. 
(Puts MS. in his pocket.) Corks, attend to me: be quick 
and secret. Within ten minutes let the carriage with four 
horses — you hear, four horses — be at the corner of the 
street. Not a word that I am at home : not a syllable. 

CORKS. 

(Aside.) My only hope is, that somebody may pick his 
pocket. [Exit. 

SKINDEEP. 

(Approaching Spreadweasel.) His senses are soddened 
— he's fast as his own iron chest. Humph ! And this is 
the sordid lump that fortune fell in love with? What a 
wicked face he has ! Marked and lined as with an usurer's 
pen. What blank, bare ugliness has sleep in a rogue's 
countenance ! Here there's no heart — no love for human 
nature — no benevolence ! By carrying off the girl I shall 
prevent inquiry into my means — all babble about jointure, 
and such impertinence. And she's caught — caught ! Hark ! 
true to her appointment — 'tis she ! 

Enter Pamela. 

PAMELA. 

My lord ! My father here ! 

SKINDEEP. 

He sleeps the sweet and tranquil sleep of the virtuous 
and the good. 

PAMELA. 

He's sound, indeed. 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 87 

SKINDEEP. 

I was contemplating his noble — his benignant character, 
marked in his placid face. I am the prouder that he calls 
me friend — will call me son. His heart is set upon it. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

(Asleep.) I'm — I'm father to a lord. 

SKINDEEP. 

You hear : in sleep I bless even the good man's dreams ! 

SPREADWEASEL. 

(Asleep.) Grandfather to lords ! 

SKINDEEP. 

And he blesses me — us — with sweetest blessings. Pa- 
mela, you hear his words ? 

PAMELA. 

It's the nightmare ; he's very subject to it I'll wake 
him. 

SKINDEEP. 

Not for the world ! At this moment he may be circled 
with his children's children — a rosy, laughing band, pluck- 
ing his skirts — climbing his knees ! Let us haste — let us 
fly, that the visions of a good man's sleep, in time may be 
a sweet reality. 

PAMELA* 

And have you torn yourself from parliament — given up 
the debate, and all for me ? What a sacrifice ! 

SKINDEEP. 

Don't name it. My love 

PAMELA. 

Love ! After all, I've known your lordship but a few 
hours : are you sure 'tis love ? 

SKINDEEP. 

Sure ! At this moment feel I not its pangs ? Here, 
sweet maiden, here ! If it be not love, what is it? 



88 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

PAMELA. 

Perhaps it's the rheumatism. Did you ever feel it 
before ? 

SKINDEEP. 

Never ! 

PAMELA. 

What a slanderous world it is ! People say you once 
loved your cousin, Mrs. Quarto. How know I that some- 
thing of that love may not survive ? 

SKINDEEP. 

Love Mrs. Quarto ! Even if there had been a boyish 
passion, now 'twould be absurd. A man may be very fond 
of grapes, who sha'n't abide the fruit when dried into 
raisins. 

PAMELA. 

{Aside.) A pretty code of constancy ! 

SKINDEEP. 

But when it hangs, as now I see it — the untouched 
bloom upon it — rich and full in promise of delight — then 
— then— {about to embrace her.) 

PAMELA. 

Even then, the grapes, to some folks, may be sour — 
sour. 

SKINDEEP. 

Pamela, would you see me die ? 

PAMELA. 

Not by myself: so, if you're in any danger, I'll wake my 
father. 

SKINDEEP. 

{Dropping on his knee.) Wild and beautiful creature, 
see me at your feet. Here do I offer my fortune, my title 
— I say, my title — wealth — all ! 

PAMELA. 

I don't know what to say. 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. • 89 



SKINDEEP. 



(Aside.) The surest way to hit a woman's heart is to 
take aim kneeling. 

PAMELA. 

To deceive poor Melon ! IfJ now, I could only satisfy 
my bleeding conscience 

SKINDEEP. 

I'll satisfy it. You are too young to know what con- 
science really is. 

PAMELA. 

If I should break his heart ? 

SKINDEEP. 

I'll take all the damage on myself. 

PAMELA. 

Or if, dying, his spirit should haunt me ! 

SKINDEEP. 

Ghosts never appear to two at a time, and I'll never 
quit you. 

PAMELA. 

Or if, worse than all, his mind should sink beneath the 
blow. Oh, my lord ! what, as a lover of your species, 
what would you do ? 

SKINDEEP. 

Every thing that humanity could dictate : get him the 
best advice, and hope for his recovery. 

PAMELA. 

My lover has at least this consolation, he could not be 
robbed with greater benevolence. 

SKINDEEP. 

True — true. 

PAMELA. 

And to cheat the simple, what is it since the world 
began, but the privilege of the wise ? 



90 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

SKINDEEP. 

In this case, 'tis justice — justice to the beautiful and 
good. Let me snatch you from a prodigal 

PAMELA. 

(Aside.) Where can Chatham linger ? 

SKINDEEP. 

Let us fly with wings of doves 

PAMELA. 

No; I'll not stir. Let go my hand, my lord, or I'll 
scream and wake papa. 

SKINDEEP. 

Why thus perverse, when all things are prepared ? 

PAMELA. 

All, my lord ? 

SKINDEEP. 

All : at this moment the carriage waits. 

PAMELA. 

And my companion ? 

SKINDEEP. 

Who? 

PAMELA. 

Is she not ready ? 

SKINDEEP. 

Oh ! some female friend or — but what need of a third ? 

PAMELA. 

What need ? 'Tis well, in such a grave design, I have 
more foresight than your lordship. 

SKINDEEP. 

Foresight ? What means my love ? 

PAMELA. 

It means, that I must think for both. The truth is, I 
believe I have a friend. 

SKINDEEP. 

You have ? 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 91 

Pamela goes to door, and brings down Florentia. 

PAMELA. 

And here she is. 

SKINDEEP. 

Florentia ! 

FLORENTIA. 

Lud ! How you stare at one another ? Well, who's to 
speak ? 

SKINDEEP. 

Florentia, I have always said — that is, said it to myself, 
— what an excellent, good-tempered, prudent girl you were. 

FLORENTIA. 

I am sure, my lord, I've always felt particularly delighted 
with what you've said — to yourself. 

SKINDEEP. 

That's a girl, I've said, a girl — I — a — Pamela will tell 
you the rest 

PAMELA. 

Must I speak ? Then, my dear Florentia, his lordship has 
prevailed. I — I am about to become Lady Skindeep. 

FLORENTIA. 

Elope ! run away together ! Pamela — you do ? You've 
taken away my breath ; but in a minute I shall be able to 
scream and alarm the house. 

SKINDEEP. 

Is the girl mad? 

PAMELA. 

This your prudence — this your friendship ? 

FLORENTIA. 

I will. What ! deceive so good, so kind a gentleman as 
Mr. Melon ? And you, my lord, at your age to marry a 
young and simple creature, — call you that love for your 
species ? 

PAMELA. 

But, Florentia, my dear friend 



92 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

FLORENTIA. 

Call me not friend, unless you break this wicked match ! 
Think you his lordship loves you? — not he ! 'Tis but for 
your fortune ; he'd love a mummy twice as much with 
twice the gold. 

SKINDEEP. 

I'm confounded. So young, and so uncharitable ! 

PAMELA. 

(Aside to Skindeep.) Leave us together — I'll convince 
her. Though her reproof is just — my feelings tell me so. 

SKINDEEP. 

(Aside to her.) Don't believe your feelings: there are 
moments in life — and this is one — when they're not to be 
believed. I'll see that all's prepared : meanwhile, persuade 
her. She's an excellent creature, and will see the wrong 
her hasty passion's done me. (Aside.) The parroquet ! 

[Exit. 

PAMELA. 

Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

FLORENTIA. 

Ha ! ha ! And so that satin-tongued benevolence has 
made you consent to play the runaway ? 

PAMELA. 

I tell you, coach and all's ready. 

FLORENTIA. 

But having gone so far — how to recede ? 

PAMELA. 

Look there — my father. His lordship— I marked him — 
has for his own purpose been most hospitable. Now, I'll 
lead my lord almost to the very carriage-step — then rouse 
my papa — curtsey, and go home. 

FLORENTIA. 

But what a pity, since all is ready, that the horses should 
return to the stable? If Mr. Chatham, now, would run 
away with you 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 93 

PAMELA. 

You and Melon might keep me company. He promised 
to return ; but it seems parliament has too attractive charms. 

Enter Chatham Brown. 

FLORENTIA. 

He's here. (Runs up to him. Aside.) Not a word, but 
listen. His lordship hopes to carry off Pamela this very 
night. 

CHATHAM. 

Lord Skindeep ! 

FLORENTIA. 

Even he; but, resolved to save her, I have taken 
means to defeat him. At this moment, a carriage awaits 
the gallant knight who'll snatch my friend from selfishness 
and age. 

CHATHAM, 

A million — million thanks. 

FLORENTIA. 

But not a word that I have planned this — — 

CHATHAM. 

Though such service be to me reproach, I bless it. 

FLORENTIA. 

Then plead and pray ; and if in five minutes you win not 
a wife, despair and die a bachelor. {Runs off.) 

CHATHAM. 

Dear, dear Pamela, time that might admit of ceremony, 
now rejects such vain delay as treachery to love. You 
have confessed your confidence in my heart — in a passion 
that, since first our eyes encountered, has been the master 
feeling of my life, shaping every hope and painting life 
with hues and beauties it wore not until then. The step I 
urge is sudden ; but 'tis the tyranny of circumstance that 
makes it so : admit that tyranny, and with a word turn it to 
blessings. 



94 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

PAMELA. 

I — what — you're so impetuous— what would you have 
me say ? 

CHATHAM. 

Say ! With that sweet, sunny look and cordial voice, say 
— there is my hand ; take it. 

PAMELA. 

There is my hand, and— I won't say another word. 

CHATHAM. 

And is— is the treasure mine? 

PAMELA. 

You had best secure it, for there are suspicious people 
about. Lord Skindeep's in the house. 

CHATHAM. 

I have the carriage ready. 

Pamela (Aside,) 
Another carriage ! 

CHATHAM. 

Will seek Florentia, and insantly return. [Exit 

PAMELA. 

'Tis done ; and now, I know not how it is, all my good 
spirits are gone, and I feel as if I could cry heartily. There 
is my father ; I didn't think twould cost me such a pang to 
deceive him. 

Enter Skindeep. 

skindeep. 

Has Florentia consented ? Then what is to alarm my 
precious dove ? 

PAMELA. 

The step I am about to take, my lord 

SKINDEEP. 

Will lead to life-long happiness. 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 95 

PAMELA. 

I hope so. Nobody but must approve my choice. 

SKINDEEP, 

Sweet flatterer. 

PAMELA. 

So noble — so generous— so gentle. 

SKINDEEP. 

Cease — cease ; or I shall expire with rapture. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

{Half-waking, and looking dreamily about him.) Some- 
body's talking. 

PAMELA. 

Yet, when the suitor becomes the husband 

SKINDEEP. 

Your suitor will ever be the wedded lover. Come. 

PAMELA. 

My father ! Let me first kiss his hand, and 

SKINDEEP. 

By all means — but don't wake him. 

PAMELA. 

(She kneels to her father.) Dear father, may you forgive 
my disobedience, and bless me. 

SKINDEEP. 

(Aside.) As it's the last time, I'll kneel too. (Kneels.) — 
Bless her — bless us, 

SPREADWEASEL. 

(Aroused by them, lays his hand upon their heads.) — Bless 
ye both ! 

SKINDEEP. 

Awake ! 



96 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 



Brown, sen. 



runs on. 



BROWN. 

My lord ! my lord ! this is abominable ! 

SKINDEEP. 

Oh ! oh ! A chair — a chair — [Falls upon a couch.) 

BROWN. 

To quit the house on such a night ! 

SKINDEEP. 

My dear friend, speak low; for perhaps you speak to 
a dying man. 

BROWN. 

My lord ! dying ! (Rings the bell.) 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Bless me ! This is very sudden. 

BROWN. 

Were you ill before you left the house ? 

SKINDEEP. 

Or should I have come away ? dreadfully ill. I think — 
in fact, I'm sure, — an affection of the heart. You heard 
Sir William Dingdong's speech: before he had half 
finished, my head began to turn violently. 

BROWN. 

But your vote didn't ? 

SKINDEEP. 

No — no. Well, when he painted the dreadful famine 
in Crim Tartary, 'twas too much for my feelings. 

BROWN. 

What, when the famine was in Crim Tartary — so far off? 

SKINDEEP. 

My dear Brown, that is the certain proof of an enlarged 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 97 

benevolence : the farther a calamity is off the more I 
feel it. 

BROWN. 

But you'll return ? If you're away, they'll not believe 
you're ill. That "Brutus the Elder" will be at you again; 
and his taunts sting like scorpions. 

SKINDEEP. 

Do they? I don't feel 'em. (Aside to Fame-la.) Steal 
to the carriage, — I'll give 'em the slip and join you. Yes, 
I'll return to the house, though I die in my seat. 

BROWN. 

You'll not die so — but if you should, what a thing for 
your monument ! 

Enter Ch ath am, followed by Corks. 

CHATHAM. 

Now then for, — my father ! 

BROWN. 

What ! you left the house, too ! when I came to seek his 
lordship, and was hastening back to hear you speak ! What, 
sir, in the name of treason brings you here ? 

CHATHAM. 

I — I'd forgot my notes, sir; I had made some very 
abstruse calculations, and I think I left them here. I'm 
sure I 

(Florentia and Melon appear at door, and beckon Pamela, 
who cautiously joins them, and exit.) 

SKINDEEP. 

Here they are. (Giving him Corks' MS. from his pocket. 
Asich.) Any thing to get rid of him ! 

CORKS. 

(Aside.) My paper ! Oh, fortune ! 

SKIS DEEP. 

Now, fly — fly to your duty, Chatham ; consider what 
'tis that calls you, and 

H 



98 BUBBLES OF THE DAY, 

CHATHAM. 

I do, my lord, and haste to answer it. 

[Exit, followed by Corks. 

BROWN. 

There — you're better now ? 

SPREADWEASEL. 

You look better, my lord. You should fight against this 
weakness. 

SKINDEEP. 

It is weak — I confess it ; but I can't help having a heart. 
I have said it again and again, I am not fit for this world — 
this vale of tears and misery. Often to myself do I exclaim 
with the poet — 

" Oh ! for a lodge in some vast wilderness ! 
Some boundless contiguity of shade, 
Where " 

(To Spreadweasel.) Where's your beauteous daughter? 
Enter Guinea. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Ha ! where is my daughter — where is Pamela? 

GUINEA. 

Gone away in a carriage-and-four, sir. 

Skindeep. [Jumping up from couch.) 
What ! In my carriage, and — gone ? 

GUINEA. 

Yes, sir : gone with Mr. Chatham Brown. 

BROWN. 

With Chatham !— What for? 

GUINEA. 

Why, sir, if you'll take a woman's guess — I think, to be 
married. 

BROWN. 

Married ! I'll — I'll disinherit my son ! 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. £9 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Married ! I'll disown my daughter ! 

SKINDEEP. 

Married ! I'll renounce my species ! (Smlis on cnvch.) 



ACT V. 

Scene. — Lord Skindeep's Library. 
Enter Malmsey Shark and. Waller, shewn in by Kimbo. 

SHARK. 

Mr. Spreadweasel not yet visible ? Ha ! ha ! such an 
early man, too. 

KIMBO. 

Yes, sir ; but like myself, perhaps he bears trouble better 
in bed ; and he was carried to his room quite in a fit of 
grief. (Aside to Shark.) His daughter ran off last night 
with our young member. 

shark. 

Ha ! ha ! So I have heard. 

KIMBO. 

His lordship, too — he's very ill. I never knew him 
swear so at his species. 

shark. 

For Mr. Spreadweasel, I have news that may revive him 
—say as much. He's very ill, eh ? 

K T MBO. 

Altogether, the house is a hospital. (Aside.) I shall steal 
a lounge to the railway market to recover myself. [Exit. 

shark. 

And now, Mr. Waller, as I've said, 'twas hard upon me 
to keep the poor thing ; very hard, indeed, to pay her 
funeral ; but my wife would have it so. 

h2 



100 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

WALLER. 

I accompany you hither that you may be rewarded. 
How long did the miserable creature burthen you ? 

SHARK. 

Two years, and ill all the time ; and when people are ill, 
they're dull and moping, and — ha ! ha ! — to a man of my 
spirits, not pleasant. 

WALLER. 

At length she died ? 

SHARK. 

Yes — she relieved us all. And what did I get for lodging 
and handsomely burying her ? — slander. They vowed she 
was a cousin of my own, or a — a something that was a flaw 
in the family. 

WALLER. 

Humph ! Now I see the obloquy. 

SHARK. 

Then I was beginning the world, and a good name was 
worth doable to me. Character's like money : when you've 
a great deal, you may risk some ; for though you lose it, 
folks still believe you've plenty to spare. 

WALLER. 

And no one visited the dying woman — not even his 
lordship ? 

SHARK. 

Lord Skindeep ! He !— a lord ! He visit ! 

WALLER. 

Oh ! under a humbler title ; for his pride has stooped to 
such humility. Otherwise, since my return to England, I 
had not sought him in vain. I owe to an accident of yes- 
terday my knowledge of his lordship's rank. A crowd, 
clamouring around a carriage, made me pause. A passen- 
ger had been struck down, but was found unhurt. 

SHARK. 

By his lordship's carriage ? 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 101 



WALLER. 

Aye ; and there was his lordship, loud and angry. 'Twas 
then I recognised an old acquaintance. And no one visited 
your dying tenant? 

SHARK. 

No one. The letters that the poor thing left are, as you 
see, signed Howard — Lawrence Howard. 'Twas her name ; 
at least, so she said. 

WALLER. 

And the child — the boy left by this broken-hearted 
woman — he, you say, still exists ? 

SHARK. 

Ha ! ha ! flourishes. My wife died when he was still a 
babe, so somehow he found his way to the workhouse. 

WALLER. 

And his lordship never crossed your threshold — never in 
your house, saw the boy's mother ? 

SHARK. 

His lordship again ! Why his lordship — why — eh ? 
What ! It can't be ? 

WALLKR. 

Indeed, it is. Lawrence Howard — I knew his lordship 
only under that name — is Lord Skindeep. 'Twas he who 
betrayed, and then at her worst need, deserted that noble 
gentle creature. 

SHARK. 

Lord Skindeep ! Then — ha ! ha ! wonderful — ha ! ha ! 
— Captain Smoke's his son ! 

WALLER. 

You are sure 

SHARK. 

Oh I I have watched him through life. 

WALLER. 

'Twas kind. 



102 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

SHARK. 

Watched him without his knowing it. I've marked him, 
now news-boy — now copying-clerk to a small attorney — 
now agent for the sale of patent mouse-traps — now dealer 
in foreign stock, — and now, company -monger and — ha ! 
ha ' — Madagascar captain. 

WALLER. 

I see his character. The bandit of society — the brigand 
of a city. 

SHARK. 

Why — ha ! ha ! — when children are left alone to make 
their bread of London dirt, we mus'n't judge 'em as if 
they were born to pine-apples. 

WALLER. 

You see him often? 

SHARK. 

See him ? We're close friends. 

WALLER. 

Then he knows the history of his birth ? 

SHARK. 

Not a syllable. I have kept it — kept it with his mother's 
letters, to surprise him some time or other — (aside) — when 
I might make a good bargain of the commodity. But he has 
the deepest regard for me. Indeed — ha ! ha ! — 'twould 
almost seem he had an instinct that I'd dandled him when 
a babe, he's so respectful — so deferential — so — as I live — 
ha ! ha ! — here he comes. 

Enter Smoke. 

SMOKE. 

{Walking up to Shark.) Scoundrel! 

SHARK. 

Ha! ha! ha! 

SMOKE, 

Man-eater ! 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 103 

SHARK. 

Ha! ha! ha! 

SMOKE. 

Wine-merchant, by authority, to Belzebub. Melon ! 

WALLER. 

(Aside to Shark.) His instinctive knowledge of your 
goodness is extraordinary. 

SHARK. 

Now, anybody else — ha! ha! — would offend me. Be- 
fore strangers, too, your jokes are a little too acid. Indeed, 
your great mistake through life has been not to have dipt 
your tongue in oil instead of vinegar. 

SMOKF. 

And your mistake to have dipt your heart in usurer's 
ink ; and so dipt it that not the smallest vein's escaped the 
poison of the dye. 

SHARK. 

Vinegar again. Ha ! ha ! 

SMOKE. 

You merry ruffian ! You never laugh but I think I hear 
the barking of Ceberus. 

SHARK. 

You think you hear? Some day you may come to a 
closer judgment on the matter. Ha! ha! ha! (Aside to 
Waller.) Hush! As yet not a word. Ha! ha! ha! 

[Exit 
waller. 

A blithe, light-hearted man, sir ! 

SMOKE. 

Oh ! jocund as a jackal. Heaven save you from his 
merriment ! ( Going. ) 

WALLER. 

I wished to see Lord Skindeep. Probably you, sir, as 
one of his lordship's family 



104 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

SMOKE. 

Indeed, sir, I am enriched with no such honour. 

WALLER. 

No ! Are you not his son ? 

SMOKE. 

His son ! 

WALLER. 

'Tis six-and-twenty years since I last communed with 
his lordship, and — the likeness is most wonderful! — you 
seem to me in every feature what then he was. And he 
is not your father ? 

SMOKE. 

Father! {Aside.) The word makes me sick at heart. 

WALLER. 

You are not his son ? 

SMOKE. 

No, sir, — no. Will that reply suffice ; or shall I send 
you my ancestral tree to satisfy you ? An idle man — I'll 
answer for it —might find employment in it. 

WALLER. 

Is its root so old ? 

SMOKE. 

None older: for of this, and this only, I am sure,— it 
struck in Paradise. 

WALLER. 

(Aside.) He has spirit — manhood. 

SMOKE. 

As for ancestry, truth to speak, I am one of those who 
may take the cuckoo for their crest, and for their motto — 
" Nothing." 

WALLER. 

(Aside.) My heart grows towards him. I — wc are 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 105 

interrupted — will you give me some few minutes of your 
time ? 

smoke. 

Sir, they are yours. (Aside.) — And the gift is not less 
liberal, seeing 'tis all I have to give. 

* Enter Pamela, Florentia, and Guinea. 

guinea. 

How delicious ! Married ! 

PAMELA. 

Hush ! The girl will spoil all. 

GUINEA. 

To think that here you are just blushing from the 
parson ! Well, marriage is certainly becoming ; for you 
never looked more beautiful in all your days. 

PAMELA. 

Will you be silent ? If my father — if his lordship 

GUINEA. 

I'm dumb. But have you taken off your ring, and — you 
have? Well, 1 don't know — perhaps, I'm superstitious: 
but when one has such a deal of trouble to get it on, I 
should like to keep it there. 

FLORENTIA. 

Where is my aunt ? 

GUINEA. 

In her chamber ; ill, and will see nobody. When she 
heard of your going off with Mr. Melon, she took to her 
bed, and there's been such fainting — such hysterics ! I 
wonder you didn't smell the hartshorn at the door. 

PAMELA. 

Come, Florentia; we have no time to lose. Quick, 
Guinea ; quick. 

\ Exeunt Pamela and Florentia, 



106 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

GUINEA. 

Married, this morning, and by licence ! How lucky she 
was of age ! A licence — ha! that's the way— the banns 
are low and dilatory — whilst a proctor's licence— oh ! it's 
marriage made easy ! Lud ! his lordship. 

Enter Skindeep, followed by Brown, sen. Guinea curtsies 
and runs off. 

BROWN. 

Consider, my lord, should Chatham lose his seat 

SKINDEEP. 

Well? 

BROWN. 

Well ! My lord, you're strangely lukewarm. 

SKINDEEP. 

Lukewarm ! Mr. Brown, I'm a man, and not a steam- 
engine. I needn't boil before I stir. 

brown. 

But my feelings as a father — my feelings as 

SKINDEEP. 

And my feelings as a host. 

BROWN. 

I'm as much astonished as you. But certainly, the girl 
has spirit ; is beautiful, and very rich ; so we must excuse 
Chatham. 

SKINDEEP. 

Rich ! Gracious powers ! And you'd palliate a robbery 
by the greatness of the spoil. Your son — my own col- 
league, too— has insulted me. 

BROWN. 

Insulted you? 

SKINDEEP. 

Desecrated my household gods. Miss Spreadweasel was 
in my charge — I thought the sanctity of my roof was about 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 107 

her; your son, too, sat at my hearth, and reckless of her 
father — reckless of the feelings of his host, — stole her? 

BROWN. 

Stole ! Nay, 'tis plain the girl was willing enough to go. 

SKINDEEP. 

That doubles the enormity. To take a cowardly advan- 
tage of a poor girl's ignorance ! To whirl her off, ere 
reflection could warn her ! To— had heaven made me a 
father, my son had acted very differently. 

B II OWN. 

However, in this matter, you'll sink all private feeling, 
and 

SKINDEEP. 

Sir, there are feelings that won't sink. (Aside,) And 
the feeling of losing twenty thousand pounds is one. 

brown. 

At all events, Spreadweasel must be propitiated. He 
says he can ruin Hampden Griggs, and — though you're 
angry with Chatham, he mus'n't lose his seat. Consider 
your party, my lord. 

SKINDEEP. 

Sir, humanity has no party : and I forget my colleague 
in the ingratitude of my guest. 

brown. 

(Aside.) Then I'll attack Spreadweasel myself; for at 
any price Griggs must be silenced. \_Exif. 

SKINDEEP. 

Twenty thousand pounds ! Not a wink have I slept this 
night ! And still before me have I seen the laughing mouth 
— the eyes swimming in triumphant mischief, of that jilt. 
She was very beautiful, and — twenty thousand pounds. 

Enter Spreadweasel. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Ha ! ha ! my lord ! I know what you're thinking of. 



108 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

SKINDEEP. 

Twenty thousand — eh? Mr. Spreadweasel ! (Aside.) The 
daughter gone, I care not how soon the father follows. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

I've news — delicious news of the runaways. 

SKINDEEP. 

Humph I under the benign aspect of a lump of wedding- 
cake? 

SPREADWEASEL, 

Would you think it ? Pamela's come back. 

SKINDEEP. 

Oh ! I never doubted the young lady's return. 

SPREADWEASEL, 

Indeed, she — poor thing ! never ran away. 

SKINDEEP. 

What ! I see it — dear creature ! — basely, violently car- 
ried off ! 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Listen. To my surprise, Melon, who had drunk too 
much to think of the penalty, was for running away with 
Florentia; she tempted my simple girl to bear her com- 
pany. Well, on their way to the carriage, Melon was 
caught by Shark's officers, Shark has just now told me as 
much, and locked up for a thousand pounds. 

SKINDEEP. 

But Chatham Brown, how did he 

SPREADWEASEL. 

He was returning to the house, when he was stopt by the 
squabble in the street. The girls were afraid or ashamed 
to come back, and he, in the handsomest manner, accom- 
panied them to my dwelling — left them within an hour at 
Mousetrap Hall. 

SKINDEEP. 

And who fells you this? 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 109 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Pamela. 

SKINDEEP. 

Pamela ! and where is she ? 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Here — under this roof. Ha ! ha ! I knew you'd feel a 
delight to 

SKINDEEP. 

A delight ! I don't exaggerate, when I say twenty thou- 
sand. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Now Melon's fixed — now to strike a bargain with him : 
get him married, and Pamela's your own. 

SKINDEEP. 

Ha ! I've a thought worth a gold-mine. If he marry 
before Pamela, his fortune 

SPREADWEASEL. 

I have said it — falls to Pamela's dower. If Pamela marry 
first, I forfeit to him ten thousand pounds. 

SKINDEEP. 

But where's your lovely child ? 

SPREADWEASEL. 

I'll fetch her, instantly — instantly. [Exit* 

SKINDEEP. 

Chatham run away with her ! I thought it impossible — 
I knew I couldn't be so gulled — so blind— so 

(Enter Pamela.) 
Ha ! thou lovely runaway. 

PAMELA. 

Oh, my lord ! How was it you missed the carriage ? 

SKINDEEP. 

Missed ! 



110 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 



PAMELA. 



There I sat in trembling suspense, awaiting you ; when, 
to my amazement, Florentia and Melon presented them- 
selves, and 

skendeep. 

Your father, sweet one, has told me all. Melon was 
carried off, and 

PAMELA. 

1 begged of Mr. Brown to take me home. Naughty 
man ! How could you disappoint me ? 

SKENDEEP. 

All has happened for the best. Now, my loved one, you 
see the profligate you've escaped ; to be flying off with 
Florentia, — and she to wrong you. She who was your 
friend ! 

PAMELA. 

Ha, my lord ! How is it that woman's friendship is so 
weak to woman? 

SKINDEEP. 

As an observer of my species, I should say, because a 
greater feeling comes and swallows up the less. Does 
Florentia know that by marrying Melon before you marry, 
he is penniless ? 

PAMELA. 

No — else I'm sure, she'd never consent. 

SKINDEEP. 

Then she mus'n't know it. Let them marry. 

PAMELA. 

Poor things ! to be beggars. 

SKINDEEP. 

Oh, not beggars. Melon's fortune coming to us, we 
can be their bankers. 

PAMELA. 

I'd forgotten that. 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. Ill 

SKINDEEP. 

Then how beautiful the feeling ! What an every day 
expansion of benevolence— what a growing of the human 
heart !— to provide for their wants 

PAMELA. 

Out of their own money. What a delightful picture of 
humanity on our side, and gratitude on theirs. 

Enter Spreadweasel. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Well, what have you decided ? 

PAMELA. 

Nothing: as yet we have only imagined a beautiful 
vision. 

SKINDEEP. 

A vision already realised —Listen. Pamela, you are 
married ! 

PAMELA. 

My lord ! 

SKINDEEP. 

Nay, 'tis certain; fast— fast married. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

What ! Married ! 

PAMELA. 

{Aside.) He's found it out. Has Guinea told him? 

SKINDEEP. 

Irrevocably bound in the holy ties of — ha ! ha ! ha ! — 
why are you both turned to stone ? How you stare ! I 
mean, Pamela, you must consider yourself married— that 
is, you must write as such to Melon. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Oh ! is that all ? 

PAMELA. 

Lud ! my lord ! I — I — you spoke so seriously that — ■ 



112 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

ha ! ha ! ha ! — for a moment I hardly knew whether I was 
married or not ! 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Go on, my lord — I guess the plot. 

SKINDEEP. 

Write to him that you are married. He'll believe you, 
but not your father or 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Or his lordship. 

SKINDEEP. 

Knowing that you've a husband, he'll think his fortune 
safe, and instantly marry Florentia. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Ha ! ha ! ha ! In the meantime, I'll instruct Shark to 
let Melon out on easy terms, and 

SKINDEEP. 

Ha ! but for Shark's interference, Melon had carried off 
the girl, and all had been well. Now he's sad and sober, 
he may hesitate. 

PAMELA. 

Impossible, with the letter I'll send him ; and here 
comes Florentia, who shall bear the missive. But, father, 
you must not be here. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

I'm gone : but mind, my dear girl, a strong letter — 
ha ! ha ! — an affectionate farewell for ever ; ha ! ha ! and 
then — (Aside,) — then am I father to a lord. — (Retires, and 
subsequently goes off.) 

Enter Florentia. 

PAMELA. 

{Aside to SkiNDEEP.) She's here. (Aside to Florentia.) 
All goes well. My dear friend, I have pleaded your suit 
with his lordship ; and — and — I can say no more : he has 
a heart. 






BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 113 

SKINDEEP. 

(Aside.) What does she mean? Yes, — I have a heart. 

FLORENTIA. 

I was sure that his lordship's benevolence — his charity 
towards human weakness 

PAMELA. 

All this his lordship has beautifully shown ; and the end 
is, he blesses you, and bids you be happy. 

FLORENTIA. 

Oh, my lord ! 

SKINDEEP. 

Bless you, and be happy ! 

FLORENTIA. 

The world may censure me for breaking with Sir Phenix, 
but 

SKINDEEP. 

The world ! What we call the world, is but a place of 
dreams, inhabited by shadows. This — (striking his heart) 
— this is the world. Does this approve your conduct ? 

FLORENTIA. 

It does— it does ! 

SKINDEEP. 

Then you're right That's the only world I've ever con- 
sidered, and it never yet reproved me. 

FLORENTIA. 

And — I'd fain hope — Sir Phenix won't be very wretched. 

SKINDEEP. 

Make yourself comfortable about him : he hasn't the 
sensibility to be miserable. I sometimes envy such people 
— they're greatly privileged, 

FLORENTIA. 

Then —you — you think I'd better marry? 



114 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

SKINDEEP. 

I'm sure of it. 

FLORENTIA. 

And you, Pamela, can forgive my passion for one who 
was to have blessed you ? 

PAMELA. 

Oh ! I can well afford such forgiveness, for I myself am 
blessed beyond all hope of blessing. 

SKINDEEP. 

(Aside.) Fascinating creature ! (Aside to her.) Make 
the poor thing happy outright — tell her all. 

PAMELA. 

And now, Florentia, will you bear a letter to your future 
helpmate ? 

FLORENTIA. 

A letter — from you ? 

PAMELA. 

Oh ! I'll not upbraid him, for why should I reprove him 
for taking another wife, when I — when I have chosen 
another husband ? 

FLORENTIA. 

A husband ! 

SKLNDEEP. 

She speaks a lovely truth — another husband. 

FLORENTIA. 

And you are married ? 

SKINDEEP. 

Blush not ; but with that rose-bud mouth, say — yes. 

PAMELA. 

Yes. 

FLORENTIA. 



Such duplicity is impossible. 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 115 

SKINDEEP. 

Florentia, I know the human heart ; and in such matters 
no duplicity is impossible. Your friend is married ! You 
behold a doating wife. 

PAMELA. 

Oh, my lord ! Yet why should I blush to confess it ? 
His lordship has said it. Melon never loved me ; and now 
he is free. Go — go and be happy. 

SKINDEEPo 

Fortunately, Mrs. Quarto is very ill ; that is — she is ill — 
so go and be happy. Stay, the letter. Now, sweet Pamela, 
write, write. Give him assurance of his liberty. 

Enter Spreadweasel. He watches from the side. 
Pamela sits at table to write. 
florentia. 
By all means ; under you own hand. 

spreadweasel. 
{Aside.) She's making out his death-warrant. 

PAMELA. 

Now to begin. {Writes.) " My own loved, dearest 
Henry." 

florentia and skindeep. 
What ! 

PAMELA. 

Lud ! See the effect of habit. I mean, " Sir." 
skindeep. 

No : too hot and too cold. Address him with a tepid 
politeness. " My dear Mr. Melon." 

PAMELA. 

" My dear Mr. Melon." Oh ! my fingers shake, and — 
pray, my lord, give me words, for I hav'n't a syllable of my 
own. 

i 2 



116 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 



SKINDEEP. 



Write thus : — " Feeling that the human heart has 
chords " 

PAMELA. 

Chords with an h ? 

SKINDEEP. 

Certainly : " and feeling that mine cannot respond to 
yours, I, as a lover of my species " 

FLORENTIA. 

Does your lordship mean species or specie ? 

SKINDEEP. 

" Species ;" with the final s of course. 

PAMELA. 

(Writing.) "As a lover of my species" — with the s. 

SKINDEEP. 

"Herewith release you from your vows. That the 
release may prove effectual, I have married a husband whom 
I love dearly— dearly." 

PAMELA. 

(Writing.) "Dearly, dearly." Let me write "dearly" 
three times. 

SKINDEEP. 

Three thousand. Now fold it. Stop; humanity sug- 
gests a postscript. " If out of gaol by the time, I shall be 
happy to see you at our first party." (Aside to Pamela.) It's 
so cool and straightforward, he must believe it. 

PAMELA. 

( Unseen by Skindeep, enclosing a paper in letter.) Oh ! 
there's that within it— (aside) — my marriage certificate — he 
can't doubt. There, Florentia; take it, and with it a 
husband. 

SKINDEEP. 

And with it, once more, our blessing. 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 117 



FLORENTIA. 



Poor Sir Phenix ! if this step should make him miserable 
for life ! 

SKINDEEP. 

Well, if it do make him moderately wretched, he'll 
deserve it. Since your story of the hapless Clotilda, my 
faith is shaken in the alderman. I believe Sir Phenix to 
be rather a profligate person ; and were it not for his 
respectability, I 

Enter Servant, shewing in Sir Phenix Clearcake. 

servant. 
Sir Phenix Clearcake. 

sir phenix, 
Ladies, your devoted ; my lord, your servant. 

SKINDEEP. 

Sir Phenix, you come, as you ever come, most oppor- 
tunely. 

SIR PHENIX. 

I ventured to call, in the fervent hope that I might woo 
Florentia to the park. The air to-day is so delicious 'twould 
put Montpelier to the blush; the sky asserts a peculiar 
claim to the term cerulean, and 

SKINDEEP. 

Florentia has a letter of the utmost consequence to 
deliver to a friend of Miss Spreadweasel's. 

SIR PHENIX. 

Miss Spreadweasel's friend ? he is happy in that title — 
happy, though in Siberia. 

SKINDEEP. 

He's not so far, but perhaps not more comfortable. Do 
you know Newman-street ? 

SIR PHENIX. 

From here 'tis on the left of that great commercial artery, 



118 BUBBLES OF THE DAY, 

Oxford-street. In that favoured locale is a mansion wholly 
dedicated to the hospitalities of the sheriff of Middlesex. 

SKINDEEP. 

Exactly. 

SIR PHENIX. 

It has three stories — with picturesque iron gratings at 
upper windows. In the interior, extreme luxury may be 
said to yield the palm to extreme security. As for house- 
hold economy — sheet of paper, six-pence — pen-and-ink, 
a shilling. 

SKINDEEP. 

Before you drive in the Park, will you accompany 
Florentia to — to Newman-street ? 

FLORENTIA, 

{Aside to him.) Oh, my lord ! what would you do ? 

SIR PHENIX. 

Will I ? With inexhaustible pleasure. 

SKINDEEP. 

{Aside to Florentia.) 'Tis the most humane way to 
get rid of him. The explanation must come ; and Melon 
himself will then be on the spot, and is the best person to 
give it him. Then farewell ; a pleasant drive. 

sir PHENIX. 

A farewell — a short farewell. 

PAMELA. 

Florentia, be sure you deliver my letter. 

FLORENTIA. 

Oh, fear me not ! — into the gentleman's own hand, be 
sure of it. Come, Sir Phenix, I fear me I'm a sad plague 
to you. 

SIR PHENIX. 

A delight — a rapture. 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 119 

FLORENTIA. 

But this is the last — the very last time I'll teaze you. 
Farewell. [Exeunt Sir Phenix and Florentia. 

SKINDEEP. 

Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

Spread weasel. {Coming forward.) 

Ha ! ha ! ha ! Caught — tricked ! You are your father's 
own daughter ; for you've cheated him beautifully. 

SKINDEEP. 

I'm thinking, when they're married, where they'll go to 
spend the honeymoon. 

spreadweasel. 
Perhaps to Captain Smoke's estate in Northamptonshire. 

SKINDEEP. 

Captain Smoke's estate would be the fittest place for 
such a couple. 

Enter Brown, sen. with Chatham Brown. 

BROWN. 

Now, sir — now, answer for yourself. Did you not return 
to this house last night ? 

CHATHAM. 

As certainly as I again quitted it this morning. 

BROWN. 

And there, too, is Miss Spreadweasel, and — elopement, 
my lord ! — what tale is all this ? 

SKINDEEP. 

A jest, a harmless jest of mine — no more. 

BROWN. 

Is this a time to jest, when you know the petition is — 
now, Mr. Spreadweasel, this Hampden Griggs — he must 
be silenced — you say you can ruin him ? 



120 bubbles of the day. 

Spreadweasel. 

Leave him to me : I say no more — leave him to me. 
(Aside to Skindeep.) My lord — ha! ha! — would you 
think it ? I owe all my present happiness to this Hampden 
Griggs ; and yet —ha ! ha ! — 'twas all a white lie of mine ; 
I know him no more than Nebuchadnezzar — ha ! ha ! 

(Enter Melon and Florentia, followed by Sir Phenlx.) 
Eh ! Melon ! 

SIR PHENIX. 

We were about to enter the vehicle, when the gentleman 
alighted at this hospitable door. 

FLORENTIA. 

Nevertheless, Pamela, I have given him the letter. 

MELON. 

For the which I thank you, and congratulate you 
heartily. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

But who — who released you ? Not Shark ? 

MELON. 

Oh, no ! a newer and nobler acquaintance ; although it 
seems my need was not so great. For this paper not only 
gives me possession of my fortune ; but — you recollect the 
bond, sir — ten thousand pounds. (Gives Spreadweasel 
the paper.} 

spreadweasel. 

Paper ! What ! A — a marriage certificate ! 
skindeep. 

(Takes paper and reads it.) " Solemnized between 
Chatham Brown, bachelor, and Pamela Spreadweasel, 
spinster ! " 

BROWN. 

Married ! Then, my lord, you didn't jest after all. 

skindeep. 
Jest, sir ! Truth's a joke — honour's a juggle — and sin- 
cerity a sound. 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 121 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Married! But it can't be! — it mus'n't be? Wench 
— Pamela — speak ! 

PAMELA. 

La, father ! you knew you told me to say I was married, 
and could you think I'd wish to tell an untruth. Florentia 
dear, I give you joy. 

SIR PHENIX. 

Allow me to respond to that hymeneal aspiration with 

MELON. 

Nay, Sir Phenix, I must relieve you of that task. 

FLORENTIA. 

Quite true, Sir Phenix. I discovered that 'twas impos- 
sible I could marry you. 

SIR PHENIX. 

Impossible ! 

FLORENTIA. 

Yes : for I found that — that Clotilda was still alive. 

SIR PHENIX. 

My lord, you hear this— will not your humanity advise 
me? Rejected ! What shall I do? — how exist — with my 
heart shivered to atoms ? 

SKINDEEP. 

Do ! Pshaw ! live upon the pieces. 

MELON. 

But where's my friend— whe re's Captain Smoke ? 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Your friend ! was it the captain who released you ? 

SKINDEEP. 

(Aside.) Smoke! (To Spreadweasel aside.) Have 
you lent Smoke money ? 



122 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

A thousand pounds, I couldn't refuse — 'twas such good 
security. 

SKTNDEEP. 

Not his own, then ? 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Yes : has he not the great Smoke property ? I thought 
your lordship's countenance was a guarantee. 

SKINDEEP. 

You'll never get a penny. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

What ! 

SKINDEEP. 

You've lost your daughter — you've lost your money, 
and 

BROWN. 

Now, Mr. Spreadweasel, as Chatham's your son-in-law 
— this Hampden Griggs 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Curse Hampden Griggs ! 'tis he has done it all. 

CHATHAM. 

Nay, father, spare your pains ; I've done with parliament, 
and shall yield my seat to some one worthier of its duties. 

PAMELA. 

Quite true. He's married now, and must keep early 
hours. 

Enter Smoke, followed by Shark. 

SKINDEEP. 

{Going up to Smoke.) You — you have been in this con- 
spiracy against me. Now, sir, look in my face and answer, 
are you not a worthless fellow ? 

SMOKE. 

It is most true, sir. 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 123 

SKINDEEP. 

A scheming, plotting fellow ? 

SMOKE. 

Even so, sir. 

SKINDEEP. 

One of those 

SMOKE. 

One of those luckless creatures — the waifs and strays of 
the world — to whom life has been hallowed by no tie ; to 
whom youth has been unthanked drudgery, and childhood 
at the best a blank. One of those who — never taught the 
creed of self-respect — -just value men as gamesters value 
dice, mere instruments to juggle with and win. 

SKINDEEP. 

The trickster's apology, to whom the dignity of life 

SMOKE. 

The dignity of life ! Fine words, easily uttered, but hard 
to estimate by those who know life only by its meanness 
and its wants. 

SKINDEEP. 

Well, sir, you have owned yourself a schemer — a gambler 
with the feelings and interests of your fellow-creatures. 
What more ? 

SMOKE. 

Something in extenuation. (Gives him packet of letters.) 

SKINDEEP. 

What are these ? 

sm PHENIX. 

{Aside.) Letters for his lordship, too. He's on a sudden 
very white. Can he have a Clotilda, also ? 

SMOKE. 

They were written to my mother. 

SKINDEEP. 

Your — your mother ! 



124 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 



SMOKE. 

Betrayed — neglected — left with her child to want — she 
died. 

SIR PHENIX. 

(Aside to Skindeep.) Neglected ! Doubtless buried 
without the humanity of a tombstone. 

SKINDEEP. 

(Aside,) They are my letters. Poor Kate ! What devil 
is it makes men write their follies down, to rise against 
them when the living themselves are dead ? 

SIR PHENIX. 

(Aside.) His lordship has sown what he, too, thought 
wild oats, but they've come up thistles. 

SKINDEEP. 

You Katherine Waller's son? 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Katherine Waller ! 

SHARK. 

Quite true, my lord — she died my tenant. I've dodged 
the captain from the cradle upwards, and can bring 
twenty to swear to him. 

SKINDEEP. 

(Aside.) He's handsome — clever — all the world, too, 
must know the story — I — nature's wonderful ! — I feel a 
sudden gush of affection — a torrent of parental love — a — 
(throwing himself into Smoke's arms) — my son — my son ! 

All except Smokc — Enter Walleu at back. 
Son ! 

SKINDEEP. 

My darling boy ! Whom I have sought for years and 
years ! Who has been to me a day-dream — whose vision 
at night, whose — whose — but I can't speak — I — you can 
imagine my feelings — for the human heart has chords — 
chords — 



BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 125 

SPREADWEASEL. 

But, my lord, you spoke of one Katherine Waller 

Waller. (Coming down.) 

Katherine Waller, your youngest sister. 

skindeep. 
Arthur ! you here ? 

WALLER. 

Fear not. You have acknowledged your son ; and my 
resentment's buried in my sister's grave. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

Sister ! And you — you are little Arthur ? My brother ! 

WALLER. 

One of those whom poverty made hateful to you. I have 
travelled, toiled, and prospered. For some time I have 
known your sordid history. When you shall again assume 
your father's name, and with it somewhat of his plain 
dealing, your good, glad-hearted daughter here shall join 
our hands, and we'll again be brothers. 

SPREADWEASEL. 

(Aside.) And he's come back rich ! Nephew — I give 
you joy — I give you my blessing — I give you — I give you 
your bill ! 

MELON. 

Nay, for that amount I am your debtor. Still, be gene- 
rous to your nephew, and think the bond I might exact, 
is paid. 

SKINDEEP. 

This is delightful ! All are recompensed — all, 

CHATHAM. 

Your pardon, my lord ; there is still one person in your 
house, not yet rewarded. Suffer me to introduce him. — 
(Brings down Corks, who from time to time has been ivatch- 
ing at back.) — Brutus the Elder ! 






126 BUBBLES OF THE DAY. 

SKINDEEP. 

What ! 

CHATHAM. 

His anxiety to obtain the paper you placed in my hands 
whetted my curiosity. In your own butler, I found your 
weekly censor. {Giving paper to Skindeep.) You know 
the hand? 

SKINDEEP. 

It is so ? And I have warmed a serpent in my own 
wine-cellar ! Here, Kimbo, kick out Brutus the Elder. — 
(Corks runs off.) 

PAMELA. 

(Taking paper from Skindeep.) But what can he have 
said of your lordship ? 

FLORENTIA. 

Yes, what can the wicked creature have said ? 

PAMELA. 

Hear the last paragraph. (Reads.) "When the race of 
Skindeeps shall practice all they talk, then will they become 
a social treasure — the very jewels of their kind. But 
when their goodness is a sound, and their benevolence mere 
breath, what are they but — but " — (Forces the paper upon 
Skindeep.) 

sklndeep. 

Humph ! (Beads) "Bubbles of a day?" 



CURTAIN. 



PRINTED BY WILLIAM WILCOCKSON, ROLLS BUILDINGS, FETTER LANE, 



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